


The Frog Kid Cometh

by mancheetah



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Drug Use, Gen, OOC, mockumentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8898619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mancheetah/pseuds/mancheetah
Summary: The untold story of Draco Malfoy."Sometimes, I catch the kids around school saying stuff behind Draco's back, calling him "salamander kid" and "that kid who eats salamanders" and "fucked in the head." But you know what I have to say to those kids? Nobody's perfect. Some people eat salamanders. Get over it. Grow up."





	1. Eddie is a Fucking Loser with Five Jobs and Always Will Be

**Author's Note:**

> this whole thing really stems from me spending $24 whole dollars on a badass slytherin notebook and having nothing to write in it. thus i created the untold story of draco malfoy.
> 
> i use my two favorite OCs of mine in here, sandal and moss ross. if you're interested in learning more about them let me know and i'll see what i can do about getting bios posted for them and stuff. 
> 
> this is pretty much meant to be harry potter but mixed with the trailer park boys. like it's just trailer park potters. or hogwarts boys. i dunno, it's not important. what is important is you have a little context before going in, and the context is that it's mean to be written very trailer park boys-eque. 
> 
> this is seriously OOC so don't read it if you're looking for in-character Draco
> 
> this story also takes place in an AU where hogwarts is basically near a bunch of gas stations and liquor stores and draco's dad is in jail for giving hotshots to prostitutes leggo

(The scene opens with Draco Malfoy lounging on the grass in front of Hogwarts. He has a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.)

Draco: Yeah, ever since my dad went to prison, life's been pretty cool. I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want now, and no one can really do anything about it. I've been breaking the law like crazy, fucking getting drunk and having a good time. I came back to Hogwarts, started growing some dope. It's pretty cool because not many people at Hogwarts grow dope, and the few people that do grow dope fuck it up and it's all shitty, so now everyone's coming to me, looking for some good dope, I've been making a ton of fucking money.

(Scene flashes to Draco handing off a bag of weed to a Ravenclaw, taking their money and counting it before telling them to 'fuck off'.)

Draco: I've pretty much cornered the market for dope around here, which is pretty cool. It's also nice to grow your own dope because then you don't have to worry about buying any, or ever running out. At first Professor Snape found out and he was pretty mad I guess, but I just told him to chill the fuck out and smoke a joint of hash or something. Now that the old man's in jail, I've got no one left to disappoint, and I can do whatever I want. It's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.

(Scene pans over to show Moss Ross running across the courtyard to Malfoy, stopping when he gets there to catch his breath. He pants heavily and starts going into another one of his coughing fits.)

Draco: What the fuck man?

Moss Ross: (Gasping for air, coughing.) Sorry man, I ran all the way here from my dorm.

Draco: (pulling a cigarette from behind his ear) Well here man, have a fucking cigarette, relax, catch your breath.

Moss Ross: Thanks man! (He takes the cigarette and lights it.) Dude, I heard a rumor that McGonagall was trying to dig up dirt on you. I think she knows you're selling dope.

Draco: (Finishing his beer and crushing the can on the ground) Buddy, just let her try. That old dragon slut won't fucking find anything on me. I'm too careful, cuz I'm too smart. You know me better than that.

(Screen flashes to a private interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: Yeah, Draco says he's careful about his dope growings and sellings, but I don't know if he's really as careful as he thinks he is. He's always leaving pipes and joints and shit laying around all over the place, showing up to class high. Sometimes during class hash coins fall out of his pocket. One time he put up flyers in the bathrooms for buy- one-get-one free joints. He put his name right on there and everything.

(Camera switches back to the two of them together in front of the school)

Moss Ross: Yeah, man, I'm sure you're fine. She won't find anything.

Draco: Anyway, enough with this shit man, I've got better things to worry about today than fucking McGonagall. I woke up hungover as fuck, so I'm already running late, and I still gotta get over to the liquor store to pick up some booze for the party tonight.

Moss Ross: We're having a party tonight?

Draco: Hell yeah buddy! We're celebrating. I got a C minus in my maths class. Fucking proud of myself, man.

Moss Ross: C minus? Draco, that's fucking awesome. Way to go buddy!

(He pats Draco on the back.)

Draco: Yeah man, my brain has been getting a lot smarter since I came back to school, I've been reading and writing and shit, getting more knowledge going on in my head. It's pretty cool. C'mon man, I wanna change my shirt before I go to the liquor store, this one's got fucking grease or hash oil or something on it.

(It shows them walking away together. Next, the screen pans over to the outside of the liquor store. A couple bums are hanging out in front of the door holding brown paper bags with liquor in them and smoking cigarettes. Two cats are fighting in the parking lot. It switches to the inside, showing Draco and Moss Ross standing at the counter attempting to purchase six bottles of liquor from this kid named Eddie.)

Eddie: C'mon, Moss, you know I can't sell that shit to you if you came in here with Draco, I know he's not 21.

Moss Ross: C'mon man, you know every time I buy liquor here anyway he's drinking it.

Eddie: I dunno man, you guys have made me lose three jobs in the past two months with this shit. I can't sell it to you.

Draco: Hey Eddie, why don't you fuck off? (He sticks up his middle finger and holds it in Eddie's face)

Eddie: C'mon, Draco, that's not necessary man. Why don't you guys just get out of here?

Draco: Or what? You gonna call the cops, Eddie? Call the fucking cops, send me to jail, I don't give a fuck. I'd love to go to jail, it'd be a great fucking time. If you're not gonna sell me this, I'm just gonna take it. (He grabs the bottles off the counter, bundling them in his arms. One if them falls and shatters to the floor.) Might as well take some other shit too. Moss Ross, grab a couple bottles.

(Moss Ross starts searching the store, grabbing as many bottles as his arms can hold.)

Eddie: C'mon man, you guys can't just take that stuff! You gotta pay for it!

Draco: Well I would have loved to fucking pay for it, dick clown, but you wouldn't fucking sell it to me. So now I've gotta steal it. Really, it's your fucking fault.

Eddie: I'm calling the cops on you guys, you better put down those bottles. (He reaches for the phone.)

Draco: Good, Eddie, call the fucking cops. I don't care. Moss Ross, are you done yet? Let's get out of here. When the cops show up Eddie you can give them my address, 184 Fuck Off Highway, apartment number Suck My Cock. Moss, let's go.

(the two exit the store and get back in the car.)

Draco: Fucking Eddie man, what fucking show off. Oh look at me, I'm Eddie, I work at a fancy fucking liquor store. My mommy smokes crack! She's got a crack problem! Feel bad for me! I can't stand that guy.

Moss Ross: Yeah man, me either. Thinks he's so smart for working at the liquor store. You know he works like, five jobs right?

Draco: What a dick. Hey, is that Sandal? Pull over.

(Moss Ross's piece of shit Subaru pulls up to a stop in front a small, tan skinned boy wearing a hawaiian shirt who had been jogging down the side of the road. He's covered in little red bumps (wasp stings). Draco rolls down the window.)

Draco: Sandal, buddy, what are you doing?

(Sandal stops jogging, walking over to the window to give Draco a high five.)

Sandal: Oh, you know man, I came out here to practice some Naruto moves I've been learning from my game and shit man.

Draco: Fucking sweet buddy. Uzumaki Chronicles?

Sandal: Yeah man, that one's my favorite game! My dad got that shit for me on Play Station when I was little, it was tight. Anyway though, I had to stop practicing, cuz I pissed off a wasp nest and they started chasing me and shit, stinging me and shit, it took me forever to outrun them dude. Like, three or four miles.

Draco: Oh shit man, is that's what's all over your skin?

Sandal: Yeah man, it was pretty fucked up. I'm just glad I'm not allergic to them anymore. You guys going back to Hogwarts? Can I get a ride?

Draco: You can always get a ride buddy, hop in the back, just push over those liquor bottles.

(Sandal gets in the back, having to move like ten bottles of liquor out of the seat. One of them falls on the floor. He sits awkwardly with one on his lap.)

Sandal: What's with all the bottles man? You guys rob the liquor store again?

Draco: Yeah, just got back from doing that, actually.

Sandal: That's pretty awesome. Was Eddie working?

Draco: Yeah he was. Said he was gonna call the cops on us.

Sandal: (laughs) Fuck that guy! He's probably too strung out to use a phone anyway! Are we partying tonight, boys?

Draco: You fucking know we are man. Got a ton of booze, got a ton of weed. I got a C minus in my maths class today buddy. We're gonna get so fucked.

Sandal: C minus? Dude, you're like a fucking genius. You should totally tutor me man. I'll pay you.

Draco: Yeah man, just come over sometime.

(The scene fades to an overview of Moss Ross's piece of shit subaru pulling up to Hogwarts, which looks particularly beautiful under the setting sun. Moss Ross runs over a squirrel and his whole back bumper falls off. End scene)

(The scene opens to a wild party going on in the dungeon. There are mad people there, everyone was getting drunk and stoned, there was even a white rapper who was DJing and rapping. Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross are standing together, drinking liquor.)

Moss Ross: Man, this party is awesome. Look how many people came!

Sandal: Yeah, it was pretty fucking smart of you to put up all those flyers Draco, good thinking buddy!

Draco: I just did what I had to do to get the word out, you know, I don't think anyone should be deprived of having a good time, getting fucked up.

(Someone walking by yells 'Hey Draco congrats on your C minus!' and highfives him as he passes.)

Draco: Thanks buddy! Anyway, you boys want to smoke a joint?

(He pulls out a joint that's not rolled very well but is fat as fuck)

Moss Ross: Jesus christ, Draco, that's gonna get me stoned for the next two days!

Draco: I know buddy, it's gonna be fucking awesome. I mixed some fucking hash in there too. It's gonna be great. (He lights the joint and they pass it around)

(Suddenly, the door at the top of the dungeon swings open. It's McGonagall.)

McGonagall: That's enough everyone! This party is over!(Crowd booing, groaning. The white rapper stops rapping.) Everyone needs to get back to their dorms, immediately! 40 points from every house! Get!

(The crowd begins to thin out as people are shuffling and stumbling back to their dorms. Draco is pretty pissed, and he puts the joint out on the ground. He, Sandal, and Moss Ross are last to leave the room. McGonagall starts speaking as he walks by her.)

McGonagall: I know this party was your doing, Mr. Malfoy. If you don't get your act together, there are going to be serious consequences.

Draco: (Getting worked up) You can't just assume I threw this party, that's completely fucked! Who said I had anything to do with it? I just came here to have a good time, and get fucked up.

McGonagall: There are balloons that say "Great job, Draco!" on them.

(Camera pans over to like fifty balloons floating on the ceiling, all congratulating Draco)

Draco: Yeah, so? That could be fucking anybody. That could be a typo. You don't have shit on me, you couldn't prove anything in a courtroom of the law. Now if you'll excuse me, I wanna go to the roof and chainsmoke with fucking cigarettes, since now I'm all pissed off and stressed out.

(Moss Ross and Sandal both comfortingly pat Draco on the back.)

Sandal: (Whispering) It's okay, buddy, don't get upset.

Moss Ross: (Whispering) Yeah man, it's not worth getting upset over. C'mon, let's go to the roof.

Draco: (Sniffing) Yeah, you boys are right. Let's go. We still got half a joint we can smoke.

(The screen fades out with McGonagall looking really pissed as she watches the trio head up to the roof. She whispers to herself, "I'm gonna get those shitmoths.")

(Private Interview with McGonagall. She's in her office, drinking liquor from a bottle.)

McGonagall: The thing with Draco, and all his little friends is that their shit saplings. They're stupid little shit saplings, always looking for a place to settle down and plant their shit roots, and you want to know why? So they can grow into a great, big, shitty shit-tree. And drop their shit fruit on the ground. But you know what? 'M not gonna let them plant their shit tree here. 'M gonna come up with a plan to get rid of those shit saplings once and for all. Make Hogwarts a shit-free school again. (She takes a large pull of her bottle.)

—  
(Screen changes to Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross hanging out on the roof, passing a joint, smoking cigarettes, drinking liquor.)

Sandal: Dude, I'm telling you guys, there is no god.

Moss Ross: That's fucked up, dude.

Sandal: No, man. Just think about it. If there is a god, how could Neil Patrick Harris be gay? It doesn't make any sense?

(Moss Ross and Draco ponder this thoughtfully.)

Draco: That's true man. Niel Patrick Harris is fucking gay. I just don't see what that has to do with God being real.

Sandal: Look, according to the actual Bible, homosexuality is a huge sin, right? So I'm just saying, the fact gay people keep popping up all over the place just goes to prove that God isn't real and never was. I mean, think about it man. Neil Patrick Harris. Sam Smith. Glee. If God was real, he wouldn't be letting any of that shit fly.

Moss Ross: You know, that's actually a really good point. I didn't think about Glee.

Draco: Fuck boys, I don't know much about religion or God, but I'm pretty sure I've had to do everything on my fucking own without some old beardy cocksucker helping me from the sky. It's bullshit. If God is real, he's a fucking asshole. Probably wasted out of his fucking mind, too.

Sandal: If I were a god, I'd be wasted all the time. Like the fucking Greek Gods and shit.

Moss Ross: The Greek Gods got wasted?

Draco: Yeah man, they were always getting wasted and fucking banging each other. It's why everything got so fucked up, the whole civilization collapsed. You can't just be getting drunk and fucking all the time, sometimes you gotta use your brain to think for a while instead. I didn't get my C minus in maths from sitting around drunk all fucking day boning my cousin. And people wonder why the Greek civilization collapsed. Fucking stupid.

Sandal: Yeah man, people are stupid. Hey, did you guys notice that no girls would talk to me tonight? Do you think it's because of the wasp stings?

Draco: It could be, man. They look pretty infected.

Moss Ross: Yeah, and what do you mean you used to be allergic to them? How are you not allergic to them anymore?

Sandal: I dunno man, ever since I started drinking heavy nothing really seems to affect me anymore. My body is like, really sterile because of the alcohol. It just kind of kills everything off.

Draco: That makes sense. Those stings look nasty, though. Do they hurt?

(Sandal shrugs and lights a cigarette.)

Sandal: It hurts pretty bad, I was actually having seizures earlier, but I'm pretty fucking drunk now so it doesn't really bother me. Is the one on my face bleeding, though?

Draco: Yeah, actually, a couple of them on your face are bleeding. They've been doing that on and off all night. Hey, you boys want to start a fire?

Moss Ross & Sandal: Fuck yeah!

Moss Ross: What are you going to burn though? Did you bring anything?

(Draco scans the roof, seeing nothing good to burn.)

Draco: We could just burn our shirts, I bet they'd burn pretty good.

Sandal: Great thinking, dude. This is why you're the brains of this whole operation.

(The three boys rip off their shirts and Draco uses a wand to light them on fire, and casts a charm to keep them burning. The camera starts to show a montage of their night with In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Nuetral Milk Hotel playing in the background. It begins with them sitting around the fire laughing, drinking, smoking. Then it shows the conversation turning solemn, serious, and all three of them crying. Then it shows Sandal telling them all a ghost story, and they're getting really scared. Then it shows Moss Ross accidentally falling into the fire, catching his pants on fire and freaking out, running around the roof on fire. Sandal tries to put him out by splashing liquor on him but the fire gets worse. The montage ends with the three of them passed out on the roof in a pile, surrounded by empty bottles, cigarette butts, and 3 raccoons curled up sleeping with them.)


	2. A C Minus is a Lot of Fucking Pressure

(The scene opens to the next day, Draco in his Potions class. He's partnered with Potter, and they're mixing together something in a Caldron. Draco pours something in, and suddenly the whole thing blows up, sending the cauldron shooting up to the ceiling and shattering, sending glass and potion everywhere. Draco is freaking out screaming "FUCK! FUCK!" Over and over again and Snape is trying to get shit under control but he slips on some potion on the floor and falls and just starts screaming "FUCK!" himself.)

(Screen flashes to a private interview with Draco, who's standing outside his classroom in the hallway. Through the open door, you can see Snape desperately trying to get up off the floor.)

Draco: See, the thing about getting a C minus is, it's a lot of fucking pressure. No one tells you it's gonna be this much pressure, and now that I've gotten one C minus everyone is expecting me to get a bunch of C minuses, and I just don't know if I can do it. (He lights a cigarette). I mean, it's totally fucked. All of a sudden people have these exemetations of me, and they're gonna be disappointed in me if I let them down, it's a lot of fucking pressure.

(Screen flashes to show an interview with a Slytherin girl (Elise) with black hair, like 16 piercings, and stretched ears)

Elise: Yeah, now that I know Draco got a C minus, I'm going to be really disappointed in him if he doesn't get another one. It would literally crush me. It would probably ruin our friendship. I just hope the pressure doesn't, you know, get to him.

(Flashes back to Draco's interview)

Draco: I've been trying to find ways to deal with the pressure, you know, I've been drinking pretty much all day. But I'm still getting stressed out, and then shit went down in potions. I don't know what fucking happened. I was just trying to put the fucking powder into the potion thingy and everything just started exploding. Shit was fucking scary. I'm pretty sure Snape broke his fucking ankles, and it didn't help that I was paired with Harry Potter, you know, because he's really good at potions but he's a fucking dick and now I just looked like a dick in front of him. Probably not gonna pass that potion either. Fuck. I need a fucking joint.

(Camera shows Draco sneaking off and out of the school. He dips behind a dumpster, and you can see smoke beginning to billow out.)

(Private interview with Draco, this time in front of the dumpster.)

Draco: I like to come to this dumpster sometimes just to get high and chill out. It's nice to have a place you can just relax and be yourself. Most of the other kids are afraid to hang around by the dumpster, or they think they're too good or something, but I don't really mind the trash, sometimes you can even find cool shit in there. I found this Hawaiian shirt that had, like, flames up the side. Washed it up and gave it to Sandal for his birthday, he fucking loves it, wears it all the time, he doesn't care if it came from the trash. You'd be surprised some of the shit people here throw out.

(You can hear Moss Ross and Sandal yelling in the distance. The camera pans out to show them running of to Draco, joining him in loitering in front of the dumpster.)

Sandal: Hey man, we heard what happened in Potions. Are you alright?

Draco: (Sounding stressed) Yeah man, I'm okay I guess. Shit was just fucked. I don't even know what happened. One minute everything's fine, then fucking Potter poured something into the cauldron and the whole thing fucking exploded. Everyone started screaming.

Moss Ross: I heard it was mostly you that was screaming.

Draco: (Defensively) Yeah, well, I was fucking scared man. Snape tried to help but he fell, I couldn't do anything though cuz I was freaking out, I needed to go have a fucking cigarette.

Sandal: I heard Snape shattered both his ankles

Moss Ross: He did. Shattered just like glass.

Draco: I dunno man, the whole things fucked. (He puts out the cigarette he's smoking and lights another one.) Either one of you boys got any liquor on you?

(Sandal hands him a nip bottle of tequila and he immediately downs the whole thing in one sip, like a snake but a liquor snake.)

Draco: I don't know about you boys, but I'm pretty fucking stressed out now, I don't think I'm going back to class today. Think I'm gonna go down to the pond and get really drunk and fucking stoned and throw shit at the beavers, get rid of some of this fucking stress.

Sandal: Hey man, I'm down to go hang out by the pond.

Moss Ross: Word, my teachers won't even notice if I don't come to class. Let's fucking go, buddy. Let's go get some liquor first, though.

Sandal: And some dope.

Draco: Some fucking cigarettes, too. I'm almost out. (The trio begins walking away together) You know, you boys are my best fucking friends.

(Scene changes to McGonagall in her office. She's drinking a glass of wine.)

McGonagall: So, there as an incident with the biggest shit-sapling of them all in potions today. He was probably fucking stoned out of his mind. You know, he's up to no fucking good. It's time to prune the shit hedges of this school, starting with that shit-nut.

(She downs a quarter bottle of the wine, and points her finger at the camera.)

McGonagall: You know, people ask me why I became headmaster. It's because of shit-weeds like Draco Malfoy, and his loser fucking friends. Someone has to be there to rip them up from the ground before they infect this whole school with their shit. And I'm gonna be that someone, I swear on my- (she spills a bunch of wine on her shirt) I swear on my father's grave.

(Scene changes to Draco, Moss Ross, and Sandal hanging out at the pond. They've got a twelve pack of beer and they're sharing a hash joint. Draco has it in his hand, and Moss Ross is leaning over the pond.)

Moss Ross: Look at the size of these tadpoles, fucking fat little cocksuckers.

Sandal: What the fuck is a tadpole?

Moss Ross: They're those little swimmy fish things that turn into frogs, dude.

Sandal: What the fuck are you talking about? There's no such thing as a fish that turns into a frog, dude. That's fucking stupid.

Draco: He's right dude. They're not fish though. They're like, I don't know, fucking squiggles. And they turn into frogs.

Sandal: How the fuck do they turn into frogs?

Draco: I don't know man, they fucking evolve.

Moss Ross: Word, they go through like, metamorphosis. .

Sandal: You guys are assholes for fucking with me, you know that? I'm not stupid, I know frogs are just bornt as frogs.

Draco: Frogs are just bornt as frogs, Sandal? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Do you even listen to yourself?

Moss Ross: Come look at the tadpoles if you don't believe me. They're right fucking there swimming around. They look like sperm.

(Sandal walks over and peers into the water, eyeing the tadpoles skeptically.)

Sandal: There's no way those things turn into frogs. It doesn't make any sense. Frogs are mammals, not fish.

Moss Ross: No, frogs are reptiles.

Draco: Actually, you're both fucking wrong, because frogs and nematodes are fucking amphibians.

Sandal: (enraged) DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT! YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO FUCKING TRICK ME!

(The camera rolls into a short montage with soft music with the three screaming at each other, making passionate hand gestures, while the day turns into night, indicating several hours passing. It also shows Sandal trying to drown Moss Ross in the pond. When the montage clip stops, it's dark, and the three are sitting on the grass. Moss Ross and Sandal are soaked.)

Draco: Well, I'm glad we were finally able to resolve that boys. I think it was good for us to get all that off our chest.

Sandal: You're right, it felt good. And more importantly, I think it made us stronger as a team.

Moss Ross: I think our communication skills are going to improve tenfold. I feel more close to you guys now than I ever have before.

Draco: (Sitting up) Well boys, we should probably head back to the school. McGonagall's gonna have a shit storm if we get there too late, and she's probably fucking wasted and I don't wanna deal with it. We should be alright if we can back before dinner ends.

(Screen cuts to an interview with Draco outside the Slytherin common room)

Draco: So I get back from the pond right, just minding my own fucking business, when out of nowhere Blaise fucking Cockweenie tries to start a fucking fight with me.

(Screen cuts to Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross entering the Slytherin common room. Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle are playing Donkey Kong 64, sitting on the floor.)

Blaise: Where have you been off to all day, Malfoy? You reek of pond scum.

Draco: Probably because I've been banging your mom all day and she's a dirty pond whore.

Blaise: At least I know where my mother is.

(Cuts to interview with Draco)

Draco: People are always saying stuff, you know, about my mom being gone, just because she won't tell me where she is or get in touch with me. I mean, I don't really care. I actually think it's been pretty cool not having a mom, because I basically had to become a mom to myself, which in turn helped me become more motherly. And Sandal, Moss Ross, those boys are like my sons. And I'm like their mom. And that wouldn't have happened if she hadn't have abandoned me. So it's actually pretty fucking great. Plus, it's nice to not have anyone riding my cock, trying to tell me not to grow dope or smoke hash. You know, I can't be forced to conform to these rules. It's like that fucking song, Free Bird. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Great music.

(Cuts back to the scene with Draco and Blaise.)

Draco: Well congratufuckinglations, Blaise. Mr. I'm so fucking cool cuz I have a mom. Why don't you fuck off and give someone else a turn on the nintendo?

Blaise: Maybe you should fuck off, Draco. I'm in the middle of a game. Why don't you and your loser friends go wallow in your own alcoholism somewhere else?

Draco: What the fuck did you say to me?

(He attacks Blaise and they roll around on the floor punching each other)

Moss Ross: Yeah Draco! Knock him out!

(Cut to private interview with Draco)

Draco: See, the whole reason I attacked Blaise is because he's a fucking dick, and he never shuts up and stops running his mouth. So yeah, maybe I fucking attacked him first or whatever, but only because he's a huge fucking asshole.

(Cut to scene in common room, boys still rolling around on the floor fighting)

Blaise: Stop fucking biting me Malfoy! (Draco punches him in the jaw. He pulls out his wand and uses a Hex to taze Draco, who falls backwards onto the floor, twitching)

Draco: Fuck off with the fucking wand Blaise! (He pulls himself off the ground) Come on boys, let's get the fuck out of here. Oh, and I'm taking this too!

(He rips the cords of the nintendo64 out of the TV and wall and picks up the whole thing, carrying it under his arm. Goyle tries to stop him, but Draco bites at him and he retreats. The three boys storm off.)

(Cut to interview with Malfoy)

Draco: The whole thing with Blaise was pretty much unavoidable, because he's such a fucking cock. See, most of the people at this school are actually pretty cool, they're okay to hang out with and smoke some weed with or whatever. But Blaise doesn't smoke weed because he thinks it will make him more dumber, which is pretty fucking stupid if you ask me because he's already really fucking dumb. So he just walks around acting like a dick, never chills the fuck out, and he always hogs the fucking Nintendo. Never lets anybody else play. And it was really pissing me off, so I just said fuck it, I'll take the whole fucking Nintendo, and if anyone else has a problem with that they can go talk to Blaise. Because he was selfish, I had to take the fucking Nintendo away and put in my room, and now no one can play the fucking Nintendo anymore. Because Blaise is fucking selfish.

(Cuts to an interview with Sandal and Moss Ross)

Sandal: I think, in the end, Draco pretty much did what he had to do. Blaise was acting like dick, you know, and Draco stepped up and did something about it.

Moss Ross: Yeah, I think a lot of people wouldn't have the courage to do what Draco did, you know. Most people won't do anything when someone's being a dick, but not Draco. He'll punch you, bite you, claw you.

Sandal: Yeah, Draco has really sharp nails. (He pulls up his sleeve to reveal four long nasty scabs up his arm) He did that to me the other night, on accident too. It was fucked up.

Moss Ross: Oh man, I was there for that, it was terrible. You lost so much blood man, I thought you were gonna die.

Sandal: My heart actually did stop beating for a minute in Madam Pomphrey's office. But anyway, the point is, Draco is pretty much a hero. I was really scared when I walked in and saw Blaise on the Nintendo, but Draco really put him in his place. It was badass.

Moss Ross: Yeah, I'm glad we have Draco around, to keep us safe and stuff.


	3. What's a King to a God?

(Scene cuts to the next day. It shows Draco in the shower, selling people weed. He's wearing sunglasses for no reason. It shows him exiting the bathroom, and running into McGonagall)

McGonagall: What were you doing in the showers, Mr. Malfoy?

Draco: Washing my skin, what the fuck do you think I was doing?

McGonagall: Just took a shower, huh? Your hair seems pretty dry, Malfoy.

Draco: I stuck it under one of the dryer thingies, what do you care? Why don't you leave me alone?

McGonagall: You smell like weed, Malfoy. Have any dope on ya, bud?

Draco: The only thing I got in my pouch is my wand and fucking coins for the vending machine. What, you wanna check my pockets? (He flips his pockets inside out, revealing their emptiness.) See, I've got nothing. Now can I please get to class?

McGonagall: Oh, you can get to class, boy. But let me tell you something. (She leans in close to his face.) I'm watching you. I'm watching your loser friends. Every second, every day, I'm watching you shit seeds. I see you trying to bloom your shit blossoms. Send your shit petals falling down all over this school, making a fucking mockery of this institution. I'm watching you, sexy Draco, and I will bring you down.

Draco: Yeah, whatever, jesus christ. You're clearly fucking wasted, you reek of liquor and piss and it's only eleven in the morning. You're fucking drunk. Now if you don't mind, I need to get to class, so I can get my learnings and get educated, because I got a C minus and that's a fucking lot to live up to! (He storms off)

(Camera flashes to interview with Draco at the bottom of a stairwell)

Draco: I had no idea what McGonagall was on about. She was wasted out of her god damn mind, I'm pretty sure she pissed herself, she kept going on about shit seeds or shit blossoms or something, I have no fucking idea what she was talking about. It's crazy to me we're letting that drunk bitch run this school.

(In the distance, you can hear Sandal and Moss Ross yelling for Draco. They appear in the frame running down the stairs. Suddenly Moss Ross falls and goes flying does the stairs, smashing into the camera. The camera falls, and you can hear everyone screaming, Moss Ross crying, and Draco yelling "Oh shit!")

(Cuts to an interview with McGonagall)

McGonagall: Draco better watch his back. He thinks I'm drunk now? He hasn't even begun to see me drunk. I'll show him drunk. Thinks cuz he's so sexy he can get away with everything? Get away with breaking the law? Little shit weasel, that's what he is. And you know what eats shit weasels? Owls. And I'm the owl here. The great, big, shit owl. And I'm gonna get that shit worm.

(Cuts back to Draco, Moss Ross, and Sandal on the stairs. Moss Ross is sitting on the steps, holding his knee and crying. Draco and Sandal are smoking cigarettes.)

Draco: Aw come on, Moss, don't cry. I'm sure it can't be that bad.

Moss Ross: It really hurts Draco! I think my knee is broken!

Sandal: Aw, c'mon Moss, I'm sure you're fine. You'd be in a lot more pain if your knee was broken.

Draco: Sandals right, buddy. We just need to get you back to your room, get you in bed, and get you smoking some hash. I'm sure you'll start to feel better right away.

Moss Ross: Word, maybe. How am I gonna get up the stairs, though? I don't think I can walk, boys. You might as well just leave me here.

Draco: We're not leaving you here, buddy, don't talk like that. But fuck, now that I'm thinking about it, it's pretty FUCKED this school doesn't have any elevators. What, we've never had a fucking handicapped person go here before? What the fucks up with that?

Sandal: That's a really good point. It's pretty fucked up we don't have any elevators here. How are we supposed to get Moss Ross to his room?

Draco: Fuck, we're gonna have to fucking carry him, I guess. I mean, he's probably heavy as fuck and we're probably gonna fuck ourselves up, but we can't just leave him here.

Sandal: You're right.

(The two boys eye Moss Ross wearily, and set about trying to pick him up, Draco grabbing his shoulders and Sandal his legs.)

Draco: Okay, on three, we lift. Make sure you're lifting with your back, and try and snap your back up while lifting, maybe twist it a little too. You want to lift properly so you don't hurt yourself.

Sandal: Snap your back. Got it.

Draco: Okay. One.. Two…Three.

(Both boys lift and snap, groaning out in pain as they do so. Their breathing is becoming strained.)

Sandal: Holy shit, Draco. I think I really hurt my back.

Draco: Me too buddy. It's pretty bad. But it's cool, just ignore it. We can use my textbooks beat each other up with when we get to Moss' room. That should help.

(The camera shows the pair struggling to carry Moss Ross up the stairs, grunting and gasping the whole time and quietly bitching about how fucked up it was the school didn't have elevators)

(Screen shows Moss Ross's room. Moss Ross is laying on his bed, leg elevated with a pillow, smoking a joint. Sandal and Draco are taking turns beating each other in the spine with textbooks.)

Draco: Shit, give me some of that joint, Moss. My backs fucked.

(He takes the joint from Moss Ross and hits it.)

Sandal: Man, I need some of that too. I think I bent my spine dude. Like, forever. I don't think it can be fixed.

(Draco passes the joint to Sandal)

Moss Ross: Thanks for carrying me up all those stairs, you guys. It was really impressive. Especially on the last flight of stairs when you guys fell down, but you still got up and kept carrying me.

Draco: You don't have to thank us buddy, we weren't gonna leave you there.

Sandal: Yeah, man, you're our friend. I do wanna say, though, I really can't get passed this elevator thing. How does this school not have elevators?

Draco: It's really fucked up, right? It shouldn't be fucking legal. Not to mention, what if some type of Degrassi-style shooting situation goes down, and someone ends up getting shot and fucked up and has to start using a fucking wheelchair? What, do we tell that person to go fuck themselves?

Moss Ross: If it happened to Jimmy, it could happen to anyone.

Draco: Exactly! You know, I wish I went to a fucking school where I knew, if I got shot and fucking paralyzed, that there would be an elevator for me to use. This school puts all this fucking pressure on you to not get paralyzed, because they don't have any fucking elevators for you to use, and I think it's fucking bullshit!

Sandal: You can't police when someone gets paralyzed.

Draco: The whole thing is really fucked up. And my back is really fucked up. I think it's time to get drunk boys.

(Screen cuts to an interview with Draco, outside, in the woods. Sandal and Moss Ross can be seen behind him, practicing dance moves.)

Draco: Well, Sandal's been feeling really down the past couple of days. He had written this article to this newspaper thingy, he was really hoping for it to be published, but they rejected him. It hurt him pretty bad. The first day we just kind of went into shock, curled up in a ball and wouldn't come out of it. So we left him alone, and then on the second day he still wouldn't move so I held him down and started blowing weed smoke in his face, and that kind of helped. But he's been pretty fucking depressing lately, if we're being totally honest, it's kind of bringing me down. Me and Moss Ross wanted to take his mind off what a big piece of shit he is, so we thought it would be fun to spend the weekend camping out in the woods. It's gonna be a fucking great time. We're gonna have fires, I brought burgers for us to cook, we got tons of beer and liquor and weed and hash. We're gonna get fucked up, have a great time, just enjoy some fucking natures and shit.

(Screen cuts to the three boys setting up a tent at their campsite. They're in a nice spot by a bendy river. They're clearly struggling to get the tent set up.)

Sandal: I'm pretty sure the whole thing is suppose to get staked into the ground, Draco.

Draco: I don't know, Sandal. That doesn't sound right. Why would you want to stake the tent into the ground?

Sandal: So it doesn't blow away.

Draco: But then you're gonna put fucking holes in it.

Sandal: No, man, see. They have little holes already for the stakes, man. Trust me, I use to go camping with my dad all the time.

(They continue to work on the tent, and just when it looks like they've got it, the whole thing collapses again. Draco lets out a shriek that scares birds out of the trees.)

(There's a small time skip, and now the tent is set up and they're sitting around the firepit they just built. It's still daytime, so they don't have a fire going yet. But they're ready for one. They've each got their own bottle of liquor that they're drinking, and they're passing around a giant blunt. Their eyes are red, they're clearly blazed.)

Draco: This is gonna be a fucking awesome time, boys. Living off the land and shit. I've always wanted to do that. Learn to live off the land, so I can go off the grid, become like a cool fucking hermit or something that lives in the woods.

Moss Ross: This is great land to learn to live off of too, man. This place is fucking packed with natural resources. Like, I've never seen so many.

Sandal: You're fucking right dude. We've got, like, the river. Which gives us water. We can, like, boil that water and use it to hydrate ourselves. We can catch fish in there, that we can eat. That river provides us with so much. There are rocks in there. Minerals.

Draco: And the fucking trees, they're giving off so much oxygen right now I feel like I could smoke two fucking cigarettes at once and it would only feel like one. You boys notice how nice it fucking smells out here? I haven't smelled trash once since we stepped into these woods.

Sandal: Word, there isn't any trash out here in the forest. You don't realize how much trash you encounter on a daily basis til you get away from it.

Draco: And I don't even dislike trash, I'm just saying. It's nice to have a break. It's nice to have the natural resources around us and shit. This is how it all started boys- all of fucking humanity and what not. Just some dudes chillin in the woods, getting drunk and stoned off whatever cavepeople got drunk and fucking stoned off of, learning how to make fire, just having a good fucking time.

Moss Ross: It's like, by camping out here in the woods, we're pretty much honoring our ancestors. This is the woods, these are the real life things our ancestors had to go through.

Sandal: That's so true. And like, it's crazy to think about how all the shit we take for granted now, they didn't even have. They didn't have fucking hot water, or fucking nintendos. Probably didn't have any fucking hash. They just lived out here in the woods and in caves. Hunting. Gathering. Probably dying of fucking E-Coli or something.

Draco: It really makes you think about how much it would have fucking sucked to be born way back in the day like that.

Moss Ross: It really makes you slow down and appreciate the little things.

Draco: You know what we should do, boys? We should go fishing. We should catch a fish and fry it for dinner, just like our ancestors did. (Everyone seems to be getting excited.)

Sandal: Did you bring any fishing poles, Draco?

Draco: No, but I brought this. (He pulls a samurai sword out of his bag) I figured we can just kind of stab at them.

Sandal: Stabbings good. Actually, stabbing will probably work better. I feel like it will be more satisfying.

(Moss Ross and Draco make noises of agreement.)

Draco: It will be more satisfying, you know. It's how our ancestors did it. Our ancestors didn't catch fish with string like a bunch of fucking pussies. They stabbed those fucking fish with some sharp ass sticks and it worked out great for them, I'm sure they ate like fucking kings once they learned how to start stabbing fish.

(The boys get themselves set up in a spot over the river, keeping an eye out for fish and still smoking the blunt. Draco takes the first turn, holding the sword above the water, ready to stab.)

Sandal: Shit dude, one's coming. Look out. Holy shit man. Here it comes.

(There's a splash as Draco stabs the sword into the water. He surprises everyone, including himself, by actually spearing the fish. They all stare at it for a second, and then start cheering.)

Sandal: Holy shit dude, you got one!

Draco: I know! Dude, that was awesome. I feel… I don't even know what I feel right now. It's thrilling. I'm jacked up with adrenaline dude. This must be how our ancestors felt all the time!

Sandal: That's awesome dude, I want a turn! Take your fish off and we'll start a pile on that rock.

(Draco pushes the fish off the sword and lets it fall onto the big rock sitting next to him. He hands the sword over to Sandal, who positions himself carefully over the water, watching for fish. He notices one almost right away and slams the sword down, piercing through the fish. He feels like god. He can't stop laughing.)

Sandal: I did it dude! I got one! (He throws it next to the one Draco had caught) 

Moss Ross: Dude, this is awesome! My turn!

Sandal: Hang on, wait. Let me get one more turn. Just real quick.

(The scene fades out and begins to show flashes of clips of Sandal stabbing violently at the water, the pile of fish growing, and Draco and Moss Ross looking completely terrified. Eventually it fades out to them sitting at the bonfire, roasting fish. There's a giant pile of fish next to them.)

Sandal: (Proudly) 33 fish, man. I caught 33 fish. That has to be some kind of record.

Moss Ross: (paling) Yeah man….. Thirty three fish…. Thirty three fish thrashing on the end of the sword… dying….

Draco: The blood of thirty three fish soaking into the rocks. Staining them. Staining my shoes.

Moss Ross: (with a soft sob) But the worst part was the laughter. He didn't stop laughing the whole time.

Sandal: You guys don't have to talk about me like I'm not here. I'm sorry if I took it too far, okay? I got a little excited, and I got a little carried away.

Draco: You danced in their blood.

Sandal: Yeah, well, a couple hours ago you guys were all about stabbing fish! But let a guy stab thirty three fish and suddenly he's a fucking psycho? You guys seriously need to grow up. In a survival situation I would last the longest.

Draco: Yeah, but this isn't a survival-type situation, Sandal!

Moss Ross: I just keep thinking about all their little fish families, man. Little fish children wondering why their parents aren't home yet. Fish mothers who just lost their only fish son. They don't even know what happened, cuz we took the bodies. Their loved ones just disappeared and they have no idea why.

Sandal: Just don't think about it that way, buddy. Besides, fish are fucking stupid. They don't understand the concept of families, or love.

Moss Ross: You don't think a fish can feel love?

Sandal: Of course not! That's fucking stupid! Fish don't even have brains.

Moss Ross: Draco, what do you think? Do you think fish can feel love?

Draco: Well, I know in the movie Finding Nemo the dad fish really loved his son. And I'm pretty sure that movies fairly accurate, I don't see any reason why Disney would lie would us. I've trusted them my whole life and they haven't let me down or mislead me once.

Moss Ross: See Sandal! Fish do feel love, and they also feel pain.

Sandal: All living things meet their end eventually, Moss. I just helped speed up the process for a couple. Anyway, I'm done talking about this. You guys are acting like I'm a fucking murderer or something.

Draco: What would you like to talk about?

Sandal: I don't know, anything… Well… Would you boys like to hear that article I had submitted to that magazine? The one that they rejected?

(Draco and Moss Ross exchange a glance with each other, worried.)

Draco: You sure you're ready to read that to us, buddy?

Moss Ross: Yeah man, you were crying pretty hard about it last night still, and we just don't wanna see you bring yourself down again.

Sandal: No, guys. It's okay. I'm, like, finally starting to come to terms with it. At the end of the day I think it's a great article, and if they don't see that, then fuck them, I don't want it published in their stupid magazine anyway! There are tons of fucking magazines and publications out there that I'm sure would be dying to have my article!

Draco: That's the way to look at it buddy. That's some positive fucking thinking right there. Did you bring it? (Sandal reaches into his pocket and whips out a piece of paper.) Alright buddy, fucking read it! Let's hear it!

Sandal: (Clears his throat) Why I Think Weed Should Be Legal. By Sandal.

Moss Ross: (cheering) Alright Sandal!

Sandal: Many people think that weed should not be legal. They are afraid smoking weed will cause death, and that people shouldn't smoke it. I think weed should be legal, not because I like to smoke weed, but because of it's many benefits. For starters, weed isn't heroin. Heroin is a hard drug and a big domestic violence issue. It makes people crazy. Weed just makes people relax. Weed also can help people with ADHD and Tourette's be calm, and act like there is nothing wrong with them. Another benefit to weed is that growing weed will teach you how to grow weed. Once you learn how to grow weed you will learn how to grow your own crops, like corn and potatoes. Lastly, legalizing weed will mean stores like Wallmart increase their profits, as more people are coming in to buy food because they're stoned and hungry. Legalizing weed would be great for business that sell food, and businesses is what makes our economy keep running. In conclusion, weed is not bad or "scary" and it should not be illegal.

(There's a long pause.)

Sandal: That's it. I'm done.

Draco: Oh shit man, that was awesome! Great job Sandal.

Moss Ross: Yeah man, that was sweet! You made a really convincing argument.

Draco: I can't believe they rejected that, fucking honestly. Their loss, man.

Sandal: (Beaming) Thanks boys! I knew it couldn't be that bad. Anyway, I need to go find a good spot to take a piss. I'll be back, boys!

(He stands up and walks off, leaving Draco and Moss Ross sitting around the fire.)

Moss Ross: Oh my god.

Draco: I know. That was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

Moss Ross: I just…I don't understand.

Draco: Dude, he spent a full week writing that. I watched him. I was with him the whole time.

Moss Ross: Were you guys fucking wasted?

Draco: I mean, maybe for like half the time. But still…you can't blame that on alcohol. I dunno man, I think he's got some kind of learning disability. Fucking dyslexia or some shit.

Moss Ross: You think so? He always has been pretty bad at reading and writing.

Draco: The kid can hardly read or write at all, it's fucked. And did you see the way he got about the fish? He's fucking crazy.

Moss Ross: Totally fucking insane, dude, did you see the twinkle in his eye when he realized the guts of that one fish had fallen ou- (he stops talking as Sandal walks back up to the fire.)

Sandal: Wooh, that felt nice! Good piss! What are you boys talking about?

Draco: Just how good your article was. Would you mind reading it again?

(Sandal laughs, sits down, and pulls out the paper again. The screen shows the three boys sitting around the fire, drinking, talking, and then fades out.)

(The next scene is in their tent. It's dark. Moss Ross is snoring. Draco is laying in the middle of the three boys, with Moss Ross on his right and Sandal on his left. It's quiet. You can hear the noise of the crickets and river outside.)

Sandal: (Whispering) Hey draco?

Draco: (Whispering) Yeah buddy?

Sandal: (Whispering) Are you awake buddy?

Draco: (Whispering) ….Yeah buddy. I'm awake. What's up?

Sandal: (Whispering) Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to be a God?

Draco: (whispering uneasily) To be a god? What do you mean?

Sandal: (whispering) I mean…. You know…. The power to choose who lives and who dies. The power to give life. And the power to take it.

Draco: (whispering) Um…

Sandal: (whispering) I mean. I just keep thinking about those fish man. I must have seemed like a God to them, right? Some giant shadow, looming over the water. Choosing who lives and who dies. Isn't that all a God really is? A Master of death?

(Draco shoots a disturbed, troubled look at the camera.)

Draco: (whispering) I dunno, man. I guess you were like a god to them, maybe…

Sandal: (whispering) It's nice, you know….being a god….feeling that power. Maybe one day I could become a god on a larger scale, don't you think?

Draco: (whispering) uh…. I guess so buddy…. Whatever you want….

Sandal: (whispering) You know, if I ever do become a god, Draco, I'd choose to let you live. Because you're my friend.

Draco: (whispering) Thanks buddy…. I'd let you live too. (he mouths 'oh my god' at the camera.)

Sandal: That's nice. Goodnight, Draco.

Draco: Goodnight, buddy.

(The camera stays on the scene for the moment, showing Sandal yawning peacefully and falling asleep while Draco lays awake, paralyzed in fear.)

(Next scene opens with a pan over of the campsite in the morning. The sun is up, sparkling off the water. Draco is washing his face in the stream; Moss Ross and Sandal aren't anywhere around.)

Draco: Yeah, I sent Moss Ross and Sandal into the woods to get some more wood so we can cook breakfast. We still have a bunch of fish left over from last night, but it all smells like shit, so I'm gonna cook up some burgers. (he starts drying his face with a towel.) I didn't get very good sleep, stayed up all fucking night thinking about what Sandal said to me. I think he's losing his fucking mind. I'm wondering if bringing him into the woods was such a good idea. One day you think you know a guy, you think he's normal, then you bring him into the woods and all of a sudden he starts acting fucking crazy, talking about being a god and shit, it's totally fucked.

(He's heading back over to the firepit and Moss Ross and Sandal are returning, both carrying decent loads of twig and stick. They deposit it and Draco starts building the fire up.)

Draco: You boys have fun getting the wood?

(Sandal and Moss Ross exchange an odd glance with each other.)

Sandal: We had a great time, yeah.

Moss Ross: It was awesome. We found all kinds of wood.

(Draco eyes them suspiciously, stirring the fire.)

Draco: Glad you had fun. Good job, boys.

(Camera cuts to a private interview with Draco a little further into the woods.)

Draco: After Moss Ross and Sandal came back this morning, I was pretty sure there was something weird going on. All through breakfast they were acting fucking weird, like they were hiding a secret. Then Moss Ross walks away to piss and Sandal says 'remember what i told you' to him. Remember what I told you? What the fuck did he tell him? I don't know, many, maybe these woods are getting me all disfuckulated and fucking paranoid, but I'm pretty sure they were fucking talking about me and shit when they went out earlier. Last night I thought me and Moss Ross had formed an alliance, when Sandal was losing his shit about the fish, but now it looks like those two have a fucking alliance and now I don't have fucking anyone on my side. Frankly I think it's fucking bullshit, and I think they're both fucked in the head.

(Camera cuts to an interview with Sandal and Moss Ross)

Sandal: Oh, we definitely have an alliance going on.

Moss Ross: Yeah, man, we had a really interesting discussion on God and shit in the woods, and Sandal pretty much told me if he became a god he would let me live and he would kill Draco, I think that's pretty fucking cool.

Sandal: Well it's just, you know. Draco's cool and all, but I don't think he gets me the way you do man. Did you see how weird he got about the first last night?

Moss Ross: Yeah, man, he did get really weird about the fish, now that I think about it.

Sandal: He was acting like I was crazy or something, man. Like it was wrong of me to catch fish, for us to eat. Like he wants us to starve or something, man.

Moss Ross: You think he wants to starve us?

Sandal: All I'm saying man is that out of nowhere Draco brings up this idea to go camping, he brings us all the way out in the fucking woods, fucking miles from any liquor stores or gas stations. It just seems suspicious to me. I think he's slipping, dude. Fucking losing it.

(Suddenly Draco is walking up behind the two, yelling)

Draco: I can hear you cocksuckers, you know! You better watch your fucking mouth Sandal, before I kick your ass!

Sandal: (backing away from Draco) Hey man, just calm down! There's no need for yelling! Hey, don't come any closer to me man! (He grabs a stick off the ground and holds it defensively.)

Draco: Oh, don't come any closer to you? What, is this too fucking close?

(Draco gets in Sandal's face and, scared, Sandal takes a swing at him with the stick, cracking him in the side of the face. Draco starts freaking out, yelling, grabs his own stick off the ground and starts hitting Sandal with it. The scene ends with the two of them chasing each other around the campsite, beating the shit out of each other with sticks and branches.)

(The next scene is a solo interview with Moss Ross, sitting outside Madam Pomphrey's office.)

Moss Ross: Well, we pretty much had to end up camping trip early and come back to school, cuz Draco and Sandal beat each other up pretty bad with sticks. It was scary to watch, you know. I tried my best to ignore it and just smoke a joint, but then Draco started bleeding from his eye and freaking out saying he wanted to go back to the school and stuff, that he didn't trust Sandal and stuff. I mean, maybe Sandal went a little crazy, but I think pretty much anybody is gonna go a little crazy out in the woods. I mean, it's fucked up out there. Nature is completely fucked, and it almost killed my friends.

(Camera pans to inside the office, Draco and Sandal are laying in beds next to each other. They're wrapped in bandages. Draco has an eyepatch on.)

Madam Pomphrey: Well boys, I hope you're proud of yourselves. You're the first students I've ever treated for beating each other with sticks out in the forest.

Draco: I just want the record to show that Sandal grabbed a stick first.

Sandal: And I just want the record to show that I wouldn't have had to grab the stick if Malfoy hadn't been threatening me. I also want the record to show that he takes cheap fucking shots. Stop going for the back of knees and the fucking achilles tendon, Malfoy.

Draco: I go for cheap shots?! You went for my fucking eyes almost immediately dude! Put that down on the fucking record! I want the record to show that!

Madam Pomphrey: Boys, there is no record! I have no idea what you're talking about! Enough about the record! You're both covered in dirt and filth! You reek of liquor, dope, and fish. You need to apologize to each other, and get the hell out of here!

(The boys frown, glaring at each other. Sandal softens first.)

Sandal: Fine. Draco, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my cool like that- it's just been a long time since I was camping, and I think I was really excited. I didn't mean to slice your cornea. I didn't realize what a powerful weapon a stick could be. I feel bad.

Draco: (visibly relaxing) No, Sandal, I'm sorry. When you were going on about all that stuff about fish and being god, I should have been more supportive of your feelings. And I shouldn't have came at you yelling like that. I should have known it would set you off.

Sandal: I just get scared, you know, when people yell at me. And when I get scared I freak out, you know how I get. I just wanna start hitting things.

Draco: I know buddy… It's okay… The important thing is that we're both alive, and we're still friends.

Sandal: (with tears in his eyes) Friends forever?

Draco: Yeah buddy, friends forever. Now let's go smoke a joint.

(Camera flashes to a private interview with Draco)

Draco: You know, despite all the bullshit that happened and me and Sandal beating the shit out of each other, I would say it was a pretty successful camping trip. Got pretty fucked up, had a good time, learned a lot about living off the land and shit, learned a lot about nature. You know, nature's pretty fucking cool, but it's a fucking bitch. I don't know how our ancestors lived in the woods and didn't fucking kill each other every day. Twenty four hours in those woods and I almost lost everything. It was pretty fucking fun though, and I think we need to start making it a regular thing. Madam Pomphrey said I should have full vision restored to my eye in a couple weeks, and for the next couple days I get to wear this pretty cool fucking eyepatch. It's flesh colored, so it's not really noticeable, but I think it's still pretty cool. I mean, when I left on the camping trip yesterday I wasn't expecting to come back unharmed anyway, and overall I had a great fucking time. I think Sandal learned a lot about power and control, and Moss Ross learned that the plant he's been using to wipe with when he's goes to the bathroom outside is poison sumac, the whole fucking time it's been, so really, I would say it was a learning experience for all of us. And it seems like it pulled Sandal out of his slump, so overall I'd say mission fucking success. We fucking did it.

(Flashes to private interview with Sandal)

Sandal: Even thought me and Draco tried to kill each other, I still had a lot of fun on the trip. I learned a lot about the woods, and what it's like to be in them. I don't know if I could ever live in the woods, man. But I had a lot of fun, and I hope we do it again soon. It would be great to get back out there and do some more fucked up shit. Maybe next time we can do something really cool like climb a cliff or jump off a waterfall or something, that would be really cool. Madam Pomphrey said most of my wounds are pretty shallow and will gone in a couple days, so that's pretty cool. All in all I couldn't have asked for a better time, or better friends.


	4. Poor Draco Got Dysentery From Eating Salamanders in the Woods: The First Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco's sick with dysentery after eating salamanders in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an interlude, I plan on doing these every 3-4 chapters. They're typically going to be shorter pieces, and i'm going to use them to try and explore specific characters a little more.

Poor Draco Got Dysentery From Eating Salamanders in the Woods.

(The scene opens up to Moss Ross and Sandal hanging out in the Slytherin common room. It shows a little montage of them playing different board games, but Sandal keeps freaking out and throwing the board.)

(Cuts to Sandal giving an interview.)

Sandal: We've had to occupy ourselves all day, cuz Draco's really sick from eating salamanders in the woods again. He didn't even want to smoke hash when I was hanging out with him this morning. I mean, he still did, anyway. But I knew he didn't want to.

(Shows a quick clip of Draco grabbing his stomach and vomiting violently into the trashcan by his bed.)

Sandal: He's been throwing up pretty bad, having pretty painful stomach cramps. We're pretty sure he has dysentery. He's pretty disgusting, all dehydrated and shit. I feel bad for him. He didn't mean to make himself sick.

(Cuts to an interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: Yeah, Draco's been eating salamanders in the woods for a long time now. It's just what he does to calm down. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You know, everyone has their own ways of coping with their issues. Mrs. McGonagall, she's fucking drunk all the time. Mrs. Pomphrey, she's got a big time gambling problem. Professor Snape plays fucking russian roulette alone in his office between classes. So what if Draco eats salamanders? If that's what he needs to do to feel better, I say good for him. But it is sad seeing him so sick. There's no easy way of knowing which salamanders are gonna make you sick or not. That's the only bad thing about Draco eating salamanders.

(Cuts back to interview with Sandal)

Sandal: You know, I've eaten tons of weird shit in my life. I ate a slipper once. Like, the whole thing. So who even cares if it's weird to eat salamanders? I think anyone who says they've never eaten anything weird is a liar. Like Moss Ross, I see him eat all kinds of weird shit. Tree bark, pill bugs, cigarettes. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes, I catch the kids around school saying stuff behind Draco's back, calling him "salamander kid" and "that kid who eats salamanders" and "fucked in the head." But you know what I have to say to those kids? Nobody's perfect. Some people eat salamanders. Get over it. Grow up.

(Cuts back to Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: It's like a nervous tick for him, or like some kind of compulsion, you know. When he gets really stressed out or overwhelmed, Draco just runs off into the woods and you know he's out there eating salamanders. I've seen it happen a couple times. The best thing you can really do when it's happening it to just try and be supportive, let him know you're there for him. I mean, for a while it was a really big secret and no one even knew. But then one day Ron Weasley caught him eating salamanders and told everybody about it, and I guess he told Draco that he was "fucked up" and "sick" and stuff, and Draco was really upset about it. He ate more salamanders that week than I had ever seen.

(Cuts back to Sandal)

Sandal: The most important thing to me is that Draco is safe, and that he's happy. I mean, yeah, he's sick and miserable right now, but I mean, you're bound to get dysentery at least once eating as many salamanders as he's been eating. For the most part, you know, I think he's pretty safe, I'm sure he probably sterilizes his salamanders before he eats them and stuff. If it makes him feel better, you know, when drugs and liquor can't, then I say power to him! I have to say, though, it's a pretty big bummer with him being sick. I've spent the entire day with Moss Ross, and I think I'm starting to realize how much I hate him. He cheats at every board game we play, and it's pissing me off. I hope Draco gets better soon so things can go back to normal and I can get my space from Moss Ross.

(Cuts back to interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: So I don't judge Draco for eating salamanders or anything, I actually think it's pretty cool, but I do hope he starts feeling better soon and can come hang out again. If I've learned anything from this whole dysentery thing, it's that Sandal is honestly kind of weird and annoying. Having to spend the whole day with him without Draco has made me realize how crazy he drives me. He has this weird thing about wanting to win everything, and be a champion or something. I thought we could play some board games you know, have some fun, but he got really weird about it. He kept accusing me of cheating, and then he would flip over the board just to ruin the game. It was pretty stressful. I don't know how long I can go on if Draco doesn't feel better soon.

(Scene ends with a slideshow similar to a photo album showing Draco eating salamanders in the woods crying, lying really sick in his bed, puking into the drawer of his nightstand, and smiling as Moss Ross and Sandal visit him and bring him get well cards they made themselves. They're made with construction paper, crayon, and glitter. The scene ends with Draco tucking the cards in a box he keeps under his bed marked "special memories.")


	5. The Boys go to the Lost Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco, Moss Ross, and Sandal meet up with Moss Ross' cousin from Virginia, Rust Ross Evergreen Corriander, and go on an awesome adventure to a Dance Gavin Dance concert.

(The camera pans over Hogwarts, showing that it's a beautiful day. It enters the dorm of Draco Malfoy, who's sitting with Moss Ross and Sandal. Sandal is picking lint out of Moss Ross's hair.)

Draco: So when is he gonna be here again, Moss?

Moss Ross: I told you a couple minutes ago that he'd be here soon, dude! Just smoke some hash and calm down. The show doesn't start til six, it's only noon.

(Camera flashes to Draco giving an interview in the hallway outside the dorm.)

Draco: Yeah, today's a pretty big day. Moss Ross's cousin from Virginia, Rust Ross Evergreen Coriander, is visiting, and he's taking us to a fucking awesome hardcore show and this awesome fucking venue called the Lost Horizon. I've got to say, I'm pretty fucking excited. It's gonna be a great show, and the Lost Horizon is a pretty cool place, my friend broke his elbow there once and that's fucking awesome. So the place holds a lot of special memories and shit, you know, which I think is really gonna add to the experience.

(Flashes to a different interview in the same hall, but this time with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: I'm pretty excited about Rust Ross visiting us today. My cousin is pretty cool, he likes to hang out and smoke dope and have fun, just like us. Whenever he comes it's like he's part of the group, you know? Everyone loves him. It's always really fun and we make a lot of special memories.

(Flashes to an interview with Sandal, in Draco's dorm room)

Sandal: Yeah, Rust Ross is okay. He's not that memorable, honestly. All I can remember about him is he wants to grow weed in Colorado and he's really into hardcore music. I'm not that into hardcore music, and I don't really know about this Dance Gavin Dance man, but Draco seems pretty excited about the concert, so I'm trying to make myself excited too, even though I don't really care about Dance Gavin Dance.

(Flashes back to interview with Draco)

Draco: I would literally probably give my life for Dance Gavin Dance. Like, really die for it. I think about Dance Gavin Dance every single day, when I wake up, when I'm walking down the halls. I play their music all the time to my dope plants. I did some readings once somewhere that said that music can affect plants, like their molecules and shit, and make their molecules come out more better or more worse. Maybe I saw it in a movie, actually. I don't fucking know how I know it, or how any of this shit works, really. But I know I place Dance Gavin Dance to my weed plants all the fucking time, and they always come out fucking awesome. I get really fucking high whenever I smoke my dope. So, I think the music probably helps with that at least a little. If it came down to it, I would sacrifice Sandal's life for Dance Gavin Dance, honestly. I mean Sandal's lived a fucking great life anyway, he's gone on a ton of fucking adventures and I think he would understand it was for the greater good to sacrifice his life to save Dance Gavin Dance.

(Flashes to interview with Sandal)

Sandal: You know, for some reason lately I've been thinking a lot about, like, how great it is to be alive. And how being alive is awesome, and how I never want to die for anything you know? It's cool to wake up every day and go on new adventures, and make all kinds of new memories and do crazy shit and hurt yourself. Being alive is really cool, and I never want it to end. I feel like there's just so much I haven't experienced yet.

(Back to interview with Draco)

Draco: Yeah, Sandal would totally give his life up for Dance Gavin Dance, that's just the kind of awesome great guy Sandal is. It's why he's my best friend, you know. He doesn't give a shit if he lives or dies, he would fucking die for anything, and that's fucking totally badass.

(Interview with Sandal)

Sandal: Yeah, being alive is totally badass.

(Shot changes to the of them in their room, and Moss Ross getting a text.)

Moss Ross: Oh shit, he's about to pull up! Let's go outside and meet him!

(The scene changes to the boys walking out of the school. Draco immediately lights a cigarette. He uses his wand to do it, because it looks cool as fuck, and because he doesn't have a lighter. The screen pans out to show a really shitty truck pulling up. It's Russ Ross's truck. He he drives up, the front license plate falls off. He just keeps going though. He pulls up in front of them, puts the car in park, and jumps out)

Rust Ross: Moss Man! (He grabs Moss Ross in a tight embrace)

Moss Ross: Rust Ross! I've missed you man!

Rust Ross: Man, I've missed you too, cuz! Sandal, Draco, what's up guys! C'mon on, bring it in!

(Rust Ross forces everybody to bring it in, and they stand there in front of the school for an uncomfortably long time, embracing each other. People are beginning to stare.)

Rust Ross: Are you guys ready for a fucking awesome show tonight? There's gonna be great music, tons of fucking liquor and dope, probably all kinds of fucking horny babes who are all fucking turned on from the liquor and the dope.

Draco: I'm pretty fucking pumped myself. I've been looking forward to this for a couple weeks. Even took the day off selling dope so we could hang out and go this show.

Rust Ross: Before we head out dudes, I need to use your bathroom. If you guys are ready, why don't you wait in the car?

(Screen flashes to Sandal giving an interview outside the car. You can see Draco and Moss Ross sitting in the truck in the background.)

Sandal: Yeah, I wasn't really ready when Rust Ross asked if we were, but Moss Ross and Draco were. I didn't want to, like, say anything or be that guy. But I was planning on doing my hair before the show, and now I didn't get to, and I'm pretty pissed. I mean, I guess I should have just gone in and done it, but I didn't know Rust Ross would be gone for forty five minutes. That truck is really hot. None of the windows roll down, and the air conditioner doesn't work. How could he tell us to sit in that truck while he goes to the bathroom for forty five minutes? I think Draco started to have a seizure.

(The camera pans out a little to show Rust Ross jogging up the car. He stops to gasp for breath in a similar fashion to Moss Ross, and throws open the car door.)

Rust Ross: Sorry that took so long guys. I don't even know what happened. Hey Sandal, hop in!

Sandal: Nah, man, I think I'm gonna ride in the back. It's way too hot in there.

(Sandal climbs in the bed of the truck and lays down. Rust Ross guns the truck forward, does a donut, sends dust and gravel flying everywhere, making people cough and choke, and speeds off.)

(Scene changes to inside the car. Moss Ross is sitting in the front seat, Draco in the back.)

Draco: Hey man, is it cool if I smoke in here?

Rust Ross: Yeah man, just crack open the door a little. Make sure you're wearing your seatbelt, though. Just in case.

Draco: Yeah man, I get it. (He cracks the door open and lights a cigarette.) I wonder how Sandal's doing back there. Wouldn't it be fucked up if we make it all the way to our first rest stop and check the back and he's not there anymore?

Moss Ross: Oh my god, Draco! Don't say that!

Draco: I'm just saying, man, it would be really scary.

Rust Ross: Sandal seems like he's able to take a hit, though. I think even if he did fly out the back of the truck, he'd probably be able to just, you know. Walk it off.

Draco: Yeah, Sandal is able to withstand a lot. He's got this really weird bone structure man, I dunno. His bones are sharp as fuck, really pointy, really fucking strong, they're like a shield of armor, or some kind of fucking exoskeleton type thing. But they don't weigh that much, so he's pretty fucking fast. And I'm pretty sure he can do that thing cats do where they fit their body in places that are too small for them and where they don't belong.

Moss Ross: He can, man, I've seen him do it. He goes into the walls sometimes. I always get really afraid that he's gonna get stuck, but it's like he can go from a solid to a liquid state. It's fucked.

Rust Ross: Haha, yeah, what a cool dude. You know, with a bone structure like that and cat-like reflexes and abilities, he'd probably make a great ninja warrior.

Draco: That's his dream, actually! Because of Naruto! Dude, he goes outside every day and practices Naruto moves he learns from watching the games and the animes. Rain, snow, shine. He's almost died doing it a couple times, but it's nice to see him laugh, you know? Sometimes he lets me practice with him.

Moss Ross: I wish he would let me fucking practice with him. I don't get why he only ever invites you.

Draco: Your lungs are all fucked with asthma, dude. Ninjas don't have asthma.

Moss Ross: Well it would still be nice to be included in things, Draco! And I'm sure there have been tons of ninjas with asthma! Asthma is one of the most common chronic conditions known to man, with over three million people being affected in the United States alone!

Draco: Name one fucking ninja that has asthma, Moss.

Moss Ross: Samurai Jack.

Draco: What? First of all, Samurai Jack is a fucking samurai and not a ninja, and secondly he did not have fucking asthma. Who's fucking hash have you been smoking?

Moss Ross: Your fucking has, Draco! And they left it up to your imagination, okay! They never said whether he did or didn't! So I like to think he did! You know, he was always my hero…. Ever since I was a little kid. I used to watch that show, watch Jack travel around and fight bad guys, fight Aku. I used to look at him and think, that could be me. A lone, roaming hero. A warrior. I could never play soccer with the other kids, or kick ball, cuz of my asthma… But when I watched that show, when I closed my eyes and imagined that Samurai Jack himself had asthma… It always gave me hope. Gave me hope my asthma wouldn't hold me back. Gave me hope that I could destroy my enemies, and protect and help people and maybe even save some people. I used to pretend I was Samurai Jack when I was playing by myself. I'd run around my yard, pretending a tree branch was Aku and I was kicking his ass. And you know what, Draco? It helped me overcome my asthma. It helped me become the person I am today. Samurai Jack has always been and will always be my hero.

Draco: Okay, what the fuck? First of all, I just want to say, you have not overcome your asthma. You haven't overcome anything! You smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, dude. If you're walking up more than two flights of stairs you have to use your inhaler three times and then vomit, for fucks sake! It genuinely worries me sometimes. You should probably quit smoking all the fucking cigarettes and start vaping or something, or just smoking dope and hash. Second of all, none of that changes the fact that samurais and ninjas aren't the same fucking thing. Samurais use swords and ninjas use their fucking chakras and shit. It's just common sense. Man, you're getting me stressed out. Is it cool if I light a joint of hash up in here, Rust buddy?

Rust Ross: (cheerfully, like nothing went down) Sure thing pal!

(Draco lights the joint and takes a big inhale)

Moss Ross: Draco, I just want to say, how dare you. You think I'm stressing you out? Do you even realize how much you stress me out, all the fucking time?

Draco: Oh, I stress you out? Is that fucking so?

Moss Ross: It's very fucking so! Tell me, Draco. Isn't it true that every time you tell me you're going to the store and ask if I want anything and I tell you what I want, you always forget it?

Draco: What the fuck are you talking about?

Moss Ross: Oh, don't act like you don't know Draco! Don't you dare play dumb! Every time you go to the fucking store, or the gas station, or whatever, you ask me if I want something! And every time you do, I tell you something I want! And every time you get back from the store, you don't have it! The worst part, though, is that you don't even acknowledge it! You don't give a shit. You only care about yourself.

Draco: Woah! First of all, the fact that I even fucking ask you in the first place proves I don't only care about myself. And you know, I can't help it if shit gets all jumbled up in my head and I forget stuff! Usually when I go to the store or the gas station I'm fucking stoned or drunk or both, and I'm all fucked in the head as it is and traumatized, I had a very painful father okay!

Moss Ross: Oh you always have fucking excuses, you know that Draco? It's never your fault, is it? It's always the dope, or the hash, or the liquor, or your dad. You know, I'm getting fucking sick of it. One of these days you're going to have to own up and take some fucking responsibility for yourself! Fucking live up to your promises! When you ask someone if they want something from the store, fucking get it for them or don't offer! It's called being an adult Draco.

Draco: Don't fucking talk to be about being an adult you cock whore! Give me one good reason I shouldn't start burning you with this joint!

Moss Ross: I'll grab the steering wheel, pull us into oncoming traffic, and kill us fucking all Malfoy. I'll really do it. I'll do it right now. I'd love to watch you die, right before I die. Watch you choke on your own blood. Fucking try me, Draco.

Draco: You're bluffing.

Moss Ross: Try me. I'm begging you.

(Suddenly the boys realized that the car had slowed down significantly. Rust Ross was pulling into a rest stop. He was still smiling cheerfully, humming a little, completely unphased by the giant fight going on around him.)

Rust Ross: Anyone else gotta pee?

(All three of the boys exit the truck, and Sandal pops up from the bed, scaring Draco who had forgotten he was even there. They head into the building together, the two Ross's in front and Draco and Sandal tagging along a little in the back.)

Draco: How's riding in the bed going, dude?

Sandal: I don't know, man, I don't really like it. I think the birds keep trying to shit on me.

Draco: Well, let's fucking trade. I can't sit in that truck with Moss Ross anymore, man. I'm going to kill him. Besides, if you keep the door open in the car it's not that hot. Just make sure you're wearing a seatbelt. It's a bumpy road.

(The screen cuts to a private interview with Draco outside the rest stop building, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer.)

Draco: Yeah, so I decided I was gonna lay in the bed of the truck now, because Moss Ross is being a dick, and basically I can't fucking stand him. I spent so long looking forward to this concert, and now he's just pissing me off, trying to get in my fucking head and play mind games and ruin my good time, try to ruin my fucking hash high. And why? Because he wants to show off in front of his cousin? Pretty fucking selfish if you ask me. (He throws his cigarette on the ground and smashes the beer bottle. It scares a flock of gulls, which start flying towards Sandal. Sandal lets out a scream.)

(The screen changes to a private interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: I totally don't care if Draco wants to lay in the bed of the truck, I mean. That's his decision. You know, I like Draco and all, but if he wants to act like a dick just to show off in front my cousin, then I don't want to be around him. I don't know why Draco has to act different now that Rust Ross is around, trying to show off and be cool by telling me I'm not a ninja and I can't be a ninja cuz I have fucking asthma. Like Draco would make any better of a ninja. His bones break like nothing. They shatter like they're made of glass. He breaks at least one bone a week. One kind of ninja would he make? If he got hit during battle his bones would explode. They'd turn to dust and he'd be left defenseless. But Draco doesn't think about these things, he just thinks about what he can say to hurt me, and to make me feel like less of a ninja. He's just trying to ruin my good time to look cool. I don't even care if he does look cool, it's pretty fucking selfish if you ask me.

(Screen changes to a private interview with Sandal. He's covered in blood, and has feathers sticking out of his hair)

Sandal: Yeah, man, a bunch of seagulls just attacked me. Draco threw a bottle and it scared them. They bit me up pretty good. I'm bleeding a lot. I've got a couple holes in my skin right now, but I mean, besides that, I think I'm doing okay. At first it was pretty scary, having all those birds come at me and attack me, but once Draco got them off it was like, okay, you know? I think one of them might have flown off with my cigarettes though. Either way, you know, I got in a couple good punches, I put up a pretty good fight, and now I'm really looking forward to just getting high and drunk in the truck, plugging up my wounds with newspaper and receipts I find on the floor, and putting all this behind me.

(Switches over to private interview with Rust Ross)

Rust Ross: Yeah, I'm having a great time so far hanging out with my cousin and his friends. They're all really funny dudes. We've been having a ton of laughs so far, and it's turning out to be a really awesome adventure. I'm stoked for this concert, I can't wait to get fucked up and jump into the mosh pit. Y'know, this is really gonna be a great time.

(The camera shows the car pulling out the rest stop, then switches to a camera inside the car)

Moss Ross: So Rust, what have you been up too lately?

Rust Ross: Oh, you know man, just the usual shit. I'm still working at Subway, but they switched me over to nights now, which is cool because it's extra money but sucks because I keep having to miss good bands. I'm still trying to get that money together, you know, to move out to Colorado. I've got it all figured out man. Botany. Growing weed. Like, it's totally legal there, so I can go there and become a great fucking grower, and everyone will seek me out and want me to grow for them, you know? And Sarah, you remember Sarah? She said she'd meet me out there, too. It's just a matter of saving up the money, man. I had like five hundred bucks saved I got for chopping wood from my dad but I ended up having to spend it getting my car fixed up enough to pass inspection and tickets to see Bring Me the Horizon. I mean, they're kind of pussies, but it was a great show, and there was some pretty good dope there.

Moss Ross: That sounds pretty awesome man, I'm sure you'd be a great weed grower in Colorado man.

Rust Ross: Growing weed is just, you know, one of my biggest passions. I mean, I haven't done it before, you know, but I think I'd be really good at it man. I love to smoke weed, you know, and I don't think growing weed could that much different than smoking it, man. I mean, it's Colorado.

(Sandal gives the camera a "kill-me-or-get-me-out-of-here" look).

Moss Ross: Isn't weed legal in other states now, too?

Rust Ross: Yeah, man, but I mean, Colorado is just where it's at. Fucking snow, fucking mountains, that shit's beautiful man. That's the kind of shit that inspires people. Plus they got mad vape shops, mad head shops. You can get high as fuck and skii down a mountain, Moss. People are just high in the streets. It's a great fucking place. It's just like Narnia, but in the United States.

(The scene cuts out to the next rest stop. It shows them going in, using the bathroom. They come back out and meet in front of the truck.)

Draco: Dude, it's getting fucking cold. I'm coming back in the truck.

Rust Ross: Awesome! Now it's all of us together, and we're only like an hour away. It's time to start amping ourselves up, guys!

(They all climb into the truck, Sandal and Draco in the back seat.)

Rust Ross: Draco, in that cooler underneath your legs are a ton of beers. Get out one for everyone, and let's get fucking ready for this show!

(Draco reaches into the cooler and hands everyone, including Rust Ross, a beer. They all start drinking and Rust Ross turns on the radio and starts blasting Dance Gavin Dance to get everyone in the mood. The scene fades out, the sun is starting to set.)

(Scene cuts to Rust Ross pulling up at the Mcdonald's drive through. He leaves enough space between his car and the box so he can get his door open and step out, since his windows won't roll down. A female voice comes over the box.)

McDonalds Worker: Hi, welcome to McDonalds. What Can I get for you tonight?

Rust Ross: Yeah…uhhhh…..uhhhhhh….uuuuuuhhhhh….can I get four twenty piece mcnuggets. Uhhhhhhhh….Eight double cheeseburgers…uhhh….with extra cheese please….uhhhhhh….Four orders of your large fries. Two apple pies…. Uh….. Two chocolate milkshakes.

Mcdonalds Worker: So that's four twenty piece mcnuggets, eight double cheeseburgers with extra cheese, four large fries, two apple pies, and two chocolate milkshakes?

Rust Ross: That's correct.

McDonalds Worker: Okay, your total's going to be $32.92, please pull up to the first window.

(Rust Ross gets back in the car and drives forward to the first window, again leaving enough space to get out of the car. He glances in the rearview mirror to look at Draco and Sandal in the back seat.)

Rust Ross: Are you guys sure you don't want anything to eat?

Sandal: I'm good. Those gulls….The blood… I'm just not very hungry.

Draco: Yeah, and I'm way too excited to eat. I just wanna get to the concert.

Rust Ross: (shrugs) Suit yourself.

(The screen fades to show their car parked in the McDonalds parking lot. Rust Ross and Moss Ross are eating all the food they just ordered at an impressive speed. Draco and Sandal are chain smoking and pounding beer. Eventually, the tail-lights light up as Rust Ross backs out and pulls back on the road.)

Rust Ross: I don't know about you guys, but I'm fucking ready for this show!

Draco: I've never been more excited for anything in my fucking life, man, this is great. I've been waiting to see Dance Gavin Dance since before I was even growing dope or smoking it! This is gonna be a great fucking show, man.

Moss Ross: I'm getting pretty excited, too. Hey, Rust, you remember that girl I got pregnant? Becky? The one with my kid? You think she will be there?

Rust Ross: I dunno, Moss. Maybe.

Moss Ross: That would be weird, man. Hey, Sandal, are you excited?

(The camera flashes on Sandal, who looks like he's dying or already dead. His skin is ashy, his eyes bloodshot, he's covered in blood. When he speaks, his speech is all fucked up and slurred.)

Sandal: Yeah, man, gonna be a great time. I don't feel so good, right now, in the moment….but I think it pass.

Draco: Yeah buddy, I'm sure it pass. That's the right attitude to have! Oh shit, dude, look at all the punk kids around here. We must be getting close!

Rust Ross: That's the venue right up there, boys. Been awhile since I've been here. Don't make eye contact with anyone in the bathrooms.

(Rust Ross pulls into a parking space, and the group jumps out. Draco takes off and starts charging full speed towards the door, with the other ones running to catch up with him and yelling at him to slow down.)

(The scene changes to inside the venue. It's packed with people waiting for the performance to begin. They group elbows their way through the crowd, finding a good spot up by the speaker. Sandal drags behind them. He looks like he might die.)

Rust Ross: Sweet, we snagged an awesome spot! The best place to stand at these kind of shows is right by the speakers!

(Suddenly, the lights fade. The stage is lit up with red, blue, and purple lights, and then, there they are. Dance Gavin Dance appears on the stage. They introduce themselves to the crowd, that's going wild. Draco stares up at them in wonder. He's visibly shaking. Sandal, standing next to him, is also visibly shaking, but for different reasons. Dance Gavin Dance begins to play. Draco let's out an ear piercing scream. The screen fades to black.)

(The scene opens and pans over Hogwarts. It's the next day. The sun is shining. The sky's blue. The castle looks beautiful shrouded by the morning fog. After this pan over, it flashes to a private interview with Moss Ross, in his dorm room.)

Moss Ross: So, we ended up having to leave the concert pretty early last night. Well, pretty much as soon as we got there. As soon as the band started playing Draco passed out and smashed his head on the speaker, he started bleeding all over the floor and having a fucking seizure and shit. I don't know, I mean, it kind of serves him right for being such a dick pretty much the whole ride over, but I still feel bad he missed his favorite band playing live. And that he had to get nine stitches in his head. Pretty much right after Draco passed out Sandal passed out too and he was fucking seizing too, the whole thing was pretty wild. People were getting really freaked out about it, it was kinda funny actually. I'm pretty much used to Sandal and Draco passing out and having seizures at this point, so I was just gonna ignore it, but Rust Ross got kinda freaked out and thought it would be a good idea to bring the boys to the hospital. So we pretty much spent all night there and drove back at, like, two in the morning. Turns out Sandal had blood poisoning from those gulls attacking him. The doctor said he was gonna be okay, though, and he got to keep one of their feathers that had been stuck in his head, which I think is pretty fucking cool. For Christmas maybe I'll turn it into a necklace or something for him.

(Switches to a private interview with Rust Ross in the hallway)

Rust Ross: I had a really great time hanging out with my cousin and his friends last night. We didn't get to see much of the show, but I didn't really mind being at the hospital. I was pretty drunk at that point, and I watched some dude die in the hallway, it was pretty fucking cool. I guess Sandal and Draco both got pretty fucked up last night, but I'm glad they're okay. There's, like, a lot of blood stains in the back of my truck now, but it's really not that big a deal. I'll just throw a fucking blanket over it or something. Yeah, I had a really great time. It sucks I have to leave, but you know, I have to be back to work at fucking Subway tonight.

(Screen shows Rust Ross hugging Sandal and Draco, who are laying gimped up in the same bed together, saying goodbye to them and such, and leaving out the room with Moss Ross. It zooms it for an interview with Sandal and Draco.)

Draco: So I didn't get to see any of the show, which fucking sucks. I guess I pretty much passed out right away and bashed my fucking head, and I've got no fucking idea what happened after that. I kind of remember being at the hospital, and next thing I'm just back at fucking Hogwarts like nothing ever happened. I've got all these fucking stitches in my head now, they itch like crazy and they're driving me nuts, I'm thinking I'm just gonna pull them out later.

Sandal: Yeah, and I was pretty disappointed I didn't get to see the show either, on account of the blood poisoning and all. I mean, having blood poisoning is kind of cool, and I guess so is being attacked by gulls if you really think about it, but at the same time, I feel like we drove almost five hours just to go to the hospital. And I mean, I had fun at the hospital and all. But still, it's a pretty long drive just to go to a hospital.

(Scene flashes to the parking lot of hogwarts, where Moss Ross and Rust Ross are standing outside his truck.)

Rust Ross: Well, Moss Man, I'm gonna miss you. It's been a great time, man!

Moss Ross: Dude, it's been so real. Come back again sometime soon man. And good luck with Sarah, and Colorado, and all that shit man. Good things will start happening soon.

(Rust Ross embraces Moss Ross in one final, powerful hug, before climbing up into his truck and pulling away into the morning mist. The last thing you see is his license plate. It says 420BOYZ. The scene fades out.)


	6. If I'm Dying Anywhere It's in this Hotel Tonight Listening to Blink-182

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross celebrate their two year friendship anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much based on the time I was homeless because my house burnt down, it was pretty great

(The scene opens to show Draco hanging out by the pond, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer and looking out over the water. He's just hanging out there, smoking, when suddenly, something emerges from the water. It's bigger than him green, slimy, covered in seaweed. It looks like a swamp monster. Draco yells "WHAT THE FUCK! Holy fuck!" as the creature lunges towards him. The creature lets out a horrible shriek. Draco charges at it and starts beating the shit out of it.)

(Flashes to a private interview with Draco outside the school. His clothes are wet and covered in algae. He's smoking a cigarette.)

Draco: So, I guess Moss Ross fell in the fucking pond today, got himself all covered in seaweeds and different slimes and shit. I had no idea. No one really knows how long he was in there, could have been a couple hours, or more. I mean, we've told Moss Ross not to go to the pond by himself anymore, because he's always getting himself into trouble, falling in and shit, getting fucking leeches all over his body, asking us to help pull them off, it's fucking gross. But the thing with the way Moss Ross' brain works is that he's fucking stupid, and he doesn't listen. So, I had no way of knowing that the thing that came out of the pond was Moss Ross, you know. I just saw a swamp man coming at me and I fucking reacted like anybody else would.

(Scene cuts to the two of them at the pond again. Draco is using his beer bottle to beat the shit out of Moss Ross.)

(Cuts back to Draco Interview)

Draco: I mean, when he came out of the water, he looked like a fucking monster. And he came right at me. I mean, it's a situation I never thought I'd fucking be in. It was fucked. I mean, its flight or fright. Fucking chemicals in your brain and shit. After I while I could hear him talking and telling me to stop, but I had no fucking way of knowing what was happening, or what was going on, so yeah, I mean, I guess I just kept attacking him.

(Cuts to an interview with Moss Ross, laying in a bed in Madam Pomphrey's office. He's been cleaned up.)

Moss Ross: Yeah, Draco stabbed me in the stomach with a broken beer bottle this morning, but I mean, it's cool and everything. It hurts pretty bad, but I'm not mad about it. I know I scared him, and I feel pretty bad about it. I came at him first, honestly, and he probably saw that as a threat. I was hoping he would recognize me by my shoes, but he said he didn't even notice them. I feel bad for what I put Draco through this morning. I just wanted to look for wishes at the bottom of the pond.

(Back to Draco's interview)

Draco: Yeah, I mean, I feel pretty bad about stabbing Moss Ross. I mean, nobody wants to admit they stabbed their best friend with a broken beer bottle. You know, it's typically not a thing good people do. But to me, you know, I didn't see it as Moss Ross, you know, I saw it as Swamp Man. So what else was I supposed to do?

(Switches to Moss Ross's interview)

Moss Ross: The thing with Draco is that he gets really bad night terrors. He'll wake up screaming almost every night, it's pretty fucking scary. It's why no one ever wants to be his roommate or sleep in his room. He just starts screaming in the night and wakes everyone up, scares them. I know the night terrors are really hard on Draco, you know, so I just hope this doesn't become another night terror for him.

(Switches to Draco's interview)

Draco: All in all, I think what's important is that Moss Ross lived, and I think he finally fucking learned something about not going to the pond by himself. I mean, it fucking sucks, but sometimes to really get something through to someone you gotta do something crazy like fucking stab them. And then they'll finally get it. That's the most important thing to come of this whole fucked up situation, really. I think it's helped Moss Ross learn that he can't keep fucking around by himself at the pond anymore, and that if he doesn't fucking listen he's gonna get stabbed. I don't think Moss Ross will be going down to the pond by himself anymore now that he got stabbed there.

(Switches to Moss Ross' interview)

Moss Ross: I'm still gonna go down to the pond by myself. I know Draco and Sandal don't want me to, but it's easier to look for wishes when they're not around. And, y'know, when they're not there, I can do really cool and crazy stuff, like eating the pond slime and stuff, it's pretty cool, and I can't do that stuff when they're there because they get mad at me for it. Being stabbed sucked, but I think it was a fluke. I'm gonna keep hanging out at the pond, and if I get stabbed again then it's not really that big of a deal. I mean, being stabbed sucks, but it's pretty cool too. I think if there's any lesson I can pull out of this, it's that I should start bringing my own weapon to the pond with me. I'm looking forward to getting out of here and going back to the pond.

(the screen fades and a new scene opens up. It shows Moss Ross packing up a suitcase in his dorm while Sandal and Draco hang out, then switched to Sandal giving an interview in the hall.)

Sandal: Today is the two year anniversary of all of us being best friends, hanging out and getting stoned and drunk together. It's a really special day to us. Right now, we're getting ready to go to a sweet hotel room Draco booked us. Draco's always doing awesome shit like using the computer, and booking hotel rooms. It's pretty fucking cool he can understand how to do that. Anyway, we're gonna get really fucked up tonight. Draco is bringing a ton of liquor, a ton of weed, a ton of hash. We bought two nice packs of cigarettes for tonight instead of the fucking rollies we've been smoking, trying to save up some cash to get a fucking paddleboat you know what I'm saying? I've been looking forward to this night a long time, I've thought about it every day. Gonna have a great time, man, gonna get fucked up.

(Switches to an interview with Draco)

Draco: I'm pretty excited about tonight because it's been a long time since I got fucked up in a hotel room. It just feels classy, you know? Some high society bullshit, snorting drugs off those big fancy fucking desks, drinking liquor from the ice bucket. It's fucking awesome, and the fact that we're celebrating two years of awesome friendship just makes it even more fucking high class and special.

(Switches to an interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: When I found out Draco had booked us a hotel for our two year friendship anniversary, I got so excited I had an asthma attack. I've never been to a hotel before, but from the way Draco and Sandal talk about them, they're fucking awesome. You just hang out in a classy room, do drugs, get fucked up. They have these fucking shower rods that are curved, so when you're standing in the shower it feels way bigger but it doesn't take up anymore space in the bathroom. That's fucking crazy to me. A curved shower rod? Anyway, on our last friendship anniversary, we all did DMT and got really really fucked up, so I'm really looking forward to tonight, and getting really fucked up, just like we did last year.

(Switches to an interview with Draco)

Draco: Yeah, Sandal and Moss Ross have been really great friends these past couple of years. We're always hanging out, doing badass shit together. They do stuff with me nobody else would do. Some people say, I dunno, that it's fucking weird to hang out under the bridge practicing skateboarding tricks. I personally think hanging out under the bridge and practicing skateboarding tricks is fucking awesome, and you never know when you might fall and land on a dirty heroin needle or something, so that makes it even more exciting. Sandal and Moss Ross, they love hanging out under the bridge with me, practicing skateboard tricks. We only have one skateboard so we have to share but it's still pretty cool, usually if you're not on the skateboard you're smoking a joint or a cigarette or something anyway. Moss Ross sleeps under the bridge sometimes, just because he likes it down there. I think it's pretty fucking cool. Not a lot of friends are gonna go under the bridge with you, or do really cool drugs with you, but Moss Ross and Sandal are really fucking cool, and they do insane badass shit with me all the time.

(Switches back to Sandal's interview)

Sandal: I think Draco and Moss Ross are the two best friends a guy could ever ask for, really. I mean, those guys are cool. Draco, he's really smart, and he's always coming up with something fucking awesome and crazy to do, smoking us out with weed and hash and selling us dope, letting us help him sell his dope. He can make fun out of anything. And Moss Ross, that's one crazy motherfucker right there, but he's a great dude. Moss Ross is more of the emotional one, he's the one that grounds us all, you know. And he'll eat pretty much anything if you give him money, which I think is fucking awesome. Yeah, I have a lot of great memories with those guys. We've gotten fucked up so many times, gone on some crazy adventures, learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Draco's saved my life at least eight times since we became friends. He's constantly saving my life. Every time I get alcohol poisoning or nicotine poisoning it's always Draco who's there making sure I don't die, and it's fucking awesome, and any time he's in that position I try to do the same for him. And we've both saved Moss Ross's life a bunch of times, because that dude's heart just stops sometimes and you gotta punch him really hard in the chest to get it going again. I mean, it's totally fucked, but it's a fucking awesome bonding experience between bros when you save each other's lives.

(The scene changes to show them leaving Hogwarts, scaring two feral cats that were humping by the door. They head over to Moss Ross's car and load their shit up, hopping inside.)

(Camera switches to one inside the car)

Draco: Man, I hope you boys are ready. This is gonna be a night to remember.

Sandal: Dude, I'm so fucking ready for this night, I want to get so fucked up I astral project again. Also, just in case something happens, guys, I've recorded my last will and testament on my phone. In the events of my death, please make sure it gets in the proper hands.

Moss Ross: Aw, sweet dude, that's a good idea! I should make one.

Draco: Did you leave me anything in your will, Sandal?

Sandal: Actually I left all my possessions to you boys. You're gonna have to divide them up yourselves, though. Just don't let it tear you apart.

Draco: I want your playstation and all your Naruto games.

Moss Ross: I want your toothbrush and your memory foam pillow.

Draco: No way, dude, I want the memory foam pillow! You can have the other pillows.

(Moss Ross suddenly slams really hard on the brakes in the middle of the road, almost causing an accident. The car behind them honks loudly. Moss Ross turns to look at Draco. He has tears in his eyes.)

Moss Ross: (Yellin) Oh, you want the memory foam pillow, Draco? Because last time I checked, you had TWO memory foam pillows and I didn't have any. Or do I not DESERVE a memory foam pillow? (He's sobbing by the end of the speech.)

Draco: No, man, I didn't mean-

Moss Ross: (Screamin) Shut up Draco! I swear to god! Just try and take that fucking pillow! I'll skin you! I'll skin you and turn your skin into a coat and fucking wear it all over the place, and whenever anyone tells me "hey man thats a nice coat" you know what I'll fucking say! I'll fucking say thanks, man, I made it's made out of skin. The skin of someone who I THOUGHT was my friend. (He slams his fist down on the steering wheel, blasting the horn.)

Draco: Listen, Man, I'd like to see you try and skin me when you're bleeding from a fucking slit throat and three gunshot wounds to the-

Sandal: BOYS! Boys! Let's not fight! C'mon, guys, this is suppose to be a special day, a day for getting fucked up and remembering special memories, and making new ones! We're going to a hotel, we're gonna get wasted out of our minds and smoke a bunch of dope, we're gonna have an awesome fucking time! So why fight? Let's just all take it easy. Moss, you need to start driving, buddy, you're blocking traffic. Draco, buddy, why don't you roll us a joint of hash to take the edge off? You boys know how you get in the car together. We just gotta smoke some hash and chill the fuck out til we get to the hotel.

(The two boys up front contemplate this and seem to relax. Moss Ross starts driving again, and Draco pulls out his hash to roll a joint.)

Moss Ross: You're right, Sandal. This is supposed to be a day about friendship and fun memories. I'm sorry, Draco.

Draco: Yeah, man, me too. You can have the pillow, man. I was just playing around.

Moss Ross: It's really nice to hear you say that, man. It means a lot.

(the scene cuts to Moss Ross' shitty Subaru pulling into the hotel parking lot. The back bumper is still missing from when he hit that squirrel. They're at the Homewood Suites. The boys jump out of the car. When the doors open, giant clouds of hash smoke are released from the car. They grab their bags and head to the front door, hacking and coughing and wheezing because it's a little chilly and because their bags are a little heavy. They decide to stop in front of the building and have a cigarette to help catch their breath. The scene cuts to the three of them entering there hotel room. They walk into a living room/kitchen area, with a door that leads to a bedroom with a huge california king sized bed and the bathroom. It's a pretty nice hotel room. It has a fridge.)

Sandal: Holy shit, dude, this is the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in.

(Moss Ross moves his lips but is too awestruck to speak)

Draco: Yeah, the Homewood Suites are pretty fucking nice. This is like, a classy place of business, dude. People come here to conduct business and shit.

Sandal: That's fucking classy dude, really classy, I like that. Moss, you okay man?

Moss Ross: This is just…. Boys….. It's better than I could have ever imagined it to be! Check out that sweet fucking TV! And those fucking sailboat paintings on the wall, those are fucking dope dude! Looking at them really makes me think about how badly I want to be a sailor. Can we steal them, Draco?

Draco: As long as they're not nailed to the wall. Hell, even then we could probably pry them off.

Sandal: Yeah, dude. Looking around, I'm seeing all kinds of sweet shit we should totally take!

Draco: I was planning on taking everything that will fit in Moss' car. You guys think the fridge is nailed down?

Sandal: Probably not, but we can check later. We should probably get the alcohol in there so it's nice and chilled.

Draco: That's a great idea, dude. Chilled liquor, that's classy.

Moss Ross: Yeah! I'm used to drinking warm liquor, so I think this is gonna be really awesome. Hey Draco, can we smoke in here?

Draco: We can do whatever the fuck we want in here buddy, we're paying for this room. We own this hotel.

(He himself pulls out another hash joint and lights it up. The two pass the joint around, putting their liquor away, unpacking their shit. Moss Ross explores the bathroom, looking excited.)

(The screen cuts to the three of them sitting on the couch with a bottle of the liquor and three shots poured into the glasses that came in the cupboards of the hotel.)

Draco: Alright, boys, Cheers! To a fucking awesome night, and two awesome years of friendship!

(They clink glasses and each down their shot, which is probably more like two or three shots.)

Moss Ross: Wow, Sandal, you were right! Liquor tastes so much better when it's cold!

Sandal: Doesn't it? And I just want to say, I'm loving these glasses. I can't remember the last time I drank out of a cup that wasn't plastic. We definitely need to take these.

Draco: Oh yeah, dude, we're taking all the dishes. They have a mad nice set.

Moss Ross: So the hotel really doesn't care if we take this stuff?

Draco: Well, I mean, they might not like it, but I'm paying for the room. So they're pretty much fucked, there's not a whole lot they can do about it. That's just how hotels work. Once you pay for a room, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want in that room, break any laws you want, no one can really stop you because hotel rooms are basically neutral fucking territories, like open waters. There's no laws and orders.

Moss Ross: That's really cool, man. There's so much I didn't know about hotels, I feel like I've been missing out my whole life.

Sandal: Say, what do you boys think about putting on our swim trunks and taking this bottle down to the pool with us?

(Moss Ross and Draco seem excited by the idea, and the three boys run to change into their swim trunks. The scene cuts to Moss Ross doing a cannonball into the pool. He splashes people. They look disgusted. Sandal is dipping his toe in, and Draco is getting into the pool from the shallow end, wading out, clutching the bottle of liquor like a cast away.)

Draco: Hey Moss! Catch! (He hurls the bottle of liquor at Moss Ross, who jumps out of the water like a blitzball player from the Final Fantasy games to catch it. He takes a big swig.)

Moss Ross: Man, this stuff is even better when you're in a pool! Hey Sandal, catch!

(Moss Ross throws the bottle at an unsuspecting Sandal, hitting him directly in the face with it. It startles Sandal, causing him to fall forward into the pool. He bobs his head out of water, choking.)

Moss Ross: Oh shit, dude, I'm sorry! Are you okay?!

Sandal: (Choking, spitting out water, his nose is starting to bleed) Nah man I'm good (more coughing, some gagging and retching) Just swallowed a little chlorine water, that's all. Think some aspirated into my lungs.

Draco: (he grabs the liquor bottle that had floated away from Sandal and takes a big pull.) How much water do you think you swallowed, man?

Sandal: I don't even know, man, like two or three pints.

Moss Ross: That's a lot of water man!

Sandal: I know, man! I don't know, I have this thing man. When I get submerged in water too quick I just, I dunno, open my mouth and starts swallowing all the water I can. I snort it up my nose. I don't know why I do it, man.

Moss Ross: It sounds like an anxiety thing

Sandal: (finally hacking the lack of the water out) Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure it is an anxiety thing.

(Draco hands the bottle to Sandal, who starts gulping it.)

Draco: Yeah, man. If it makes you feel any better, I do weird fucked up shit all the time because of my anxiety.

Moss Ross: Like the salamanders.

Draco: Yeah, well, even besides the salamanders. Like sometimes, when I get all fucking stressed out and shit, I just eat orange peels. I mean, I don't really know why it makes me feel better, but it does. And how, like, I have to hit the lightswitch five times before I go to bed, or else the devil's gonna take Sandal's fucking soul and drag him down into Hell when he dies.

Sandal: Wait, what? That's why you do that, man?

Draco: Yeah, man. I'm just trying to fucking look out for you, you know. I mean, whatever happens in this life is pretty much meaningless, because we all live like a bajillion fucking lives. But your soul, man, that shit's forever. I don't want you spending all of eternity burning in fucking hell because I didn't go the thing with the lightswitch.

Sandal: Man, I never even knew you were looking out for me like that. How do you know the devil's gonna take my soul dude?

Draco: I dunno man, I just know. Like it's just a feeling.

Sandal: Well shit, man, I hope you never forget to do the lightswitch thing. I'd be pretty fucked without my soul. I mean, until I can get a cool moustache growing, my soul is about all I have going for me.

Draco: Yeah, well, you're a great friend, man, I'll always be looking out for you. Protecting your soul, getting you high, fucking beating you with chairs and shit when you fuck up your back and need some help.

Sandal: Man, thanks, Draco. I hope you know I'd always be there to protect you and beat you with chairs. You know, any time you come to me and ask me to beat you with something, whether it's a chair, or a piece of wood, or a baseball bat, I'm saying, whatever the weapon, I'll always do it for you man. Because I know what it's like. I've been there.

Moss Ross: Man, that was a really touching moment to witness. (Tearing up) You guys are my best friends, man. Bring it in!

(Sandal and Draco bring it in, and they tread water in the pool for a while, hugging. The camera cuts to clips that show them playing in the pool, splashing, swimming, laughing, getting progressively more drunk, playing catch with the liquor bottle. It shows everyone around the pool giving them disgusted looks and leaving, until it's just the three of them left. It's starting to get dark when it cuts to them coming back into their hotel room, towels wrapped around him. Their lips are all blue from being in the pool too long, but the liquor is keeping them warm. They go into the bedroom and come back out dried off and wearing their drinking clothes, which are shitty ratty clothes they don't care if they get puke on. They plop back onto the couch, and Draco lights a joint of hash and calls Domino's to order them a pizza.)

Sandal: Man, I'm fucking ready for this pizza! How long did they say, Draco?

Draco: Forty five minutes, dude. So that's like, half an hour.

Sandal: That's not too bad, gives us enough time to get really fucking high before it gets here.

Draco: That's what I was thinking.

Moss Ross: How many channels do you guys think this TV has? (He turns it on and starts flipping through channels. He realizes George Lopez is on and gets excited, quickly changing to it.)

Sandal: Aw, man, I love this show!

Draco: Fuck yeah, dude, this show is awesome! I use to watch this show every day!

Moss Ross: Yeah, this is one of my favorite shows. I really like the dad. Not George Lopez though. The old dad.

Sandal: Yeah, man, that old dude's cool as fuck! I always liked Angie, cuz she's really hot. I wish she was my girlfriend. Do you guys think I kinda look like George Lopez?

Draco: I mean, your head is a lot smaller than his, but your complexions are pretty similar.

Moss Ross: yeah, and you guys have the same eyes.

(It shows a sped up version now of the boys sitting in front of the couch, watching george lopez, drinking liquor and smoking the hash joint. They finish the first bottle of liquor and Moss Ross grabs the next one from the fridge. The scene cuts off and the scene changes to Moss Ross, Sandal, and Draco all eating pizza, laughing.)

Sandal: Dude, this pizza's fucking bomb.

Draco: Domino's makes some good shit, dude. They're like the Nike of pizza.

Moss Ross: Is this seasoned crust?

Draco: That would be correct, my friend.

Moss Ross: Holy shit. (The scene pans out on a clock, showing the time as being 8:04pm. It cuts out and comes back on the same clock, showing 8:08pm. It zooms out to reveal the entire pizza is gone.)

(Draco, who's lounging on the couch, lights a cigarette)

Draco: I don't know about you boys, but I'm pretty fucking full, got a great buzz on, high as fuck from the hash, I'm having a great fucking time!

Sandal: Dude, man, I'm having a great time too! This is exactly what I needed, man!

Moss Ross: I'm glad you said that, man, because this is exactly what I needed too. Just a day to hang out with my best friends, enjoy friendship, fucking laughing. You notice how we're in school we don't laugh as much anymore?

Draco: I have noticed that, man. I think we're all depressed.

Sandal: It would make sense that we're all pretty depressed. But you know what the best cure for depression is, boys? Laughter. And liquor. And hash.

Draco: Well, we've got enough of that stuff tonight to basically cure our depression for the next couple months! This is a new fucking chapter in our lives boys. We're gonna go back to school, get our shit together, get our priorities in order, start blowing off more classes together and hanging out and getting stoned.

Moss Ross: Dude, I feel like my depression is already gone! It's like, life looks bright again, man.

(Suddenly the boys are interrupted by a knock on the door.)

Sandal: Who the fuck is that? You think it's the police?

Draco: Well if it is the police, they can suck my fucking cock, because I'm paying for this room.

(Draco gets up and goes to answer the door, still holding the cigarette. It's someone who works in the hotel standing on the other side of the door, and they give him a weird look.)

Hotel Worker: Sir, I was sent here to remind you of our hotel's strict no smoking policy. Unfortunately, you will incur a $200 smoking fee added onto your bill. This is the first warning. The second warning will result in immediate removal of you from the hotel.

(Draco stares blankly at the hotel worker for a minute.)

Draco: I have no idea what the fuck you just said.

Hotel Worker: Mr. Malfoy, sir, you can't smoke in here. I need you to put the cigarette out, and for the rest of your stay please use the designated smoking areas outside.

Draco: What the fuck? I fucking paid for this room, and you're telling me I can't smoke in here?

Hotel Worker: That's our policy, sir.

Draco: Well, your policy sounds like a hot load of horse cock! You're telling me I'm paying good money to stay here, and I have to go all the way to fucktowns outside to smoke?

Hotel Worker: That's our policy, sir.

Draco: Is it? Is it your policy? Because, if I'm being honest with you, this feels pretty personal right now. I feel personally attacked.

Hotel Worker: Sir, I assure you, this isn't a personal attack. Our company policy is that all rooms are non-smoking, and that we have designated smoking areas outside. I think you'll find them quite comfortable. But you need to put the cigarette out, and not smoke in the room for the rest of your stay, or again, we will be forced to remove you.

Draco: You know what, donkey dick? Fine, I'll put the cigarette out. I'll go outside to smoke, I'll play into your little fucking games. But don't think this is over. I'm going to bring my wrath down upon this hotel, and I'm going to bring it down white and hot and hard. My wrath and vengeance is gonna splatter all over your faces, it's gonna get all over the walls and the floor, by the time I'm done you'll be drowning in it. Do you understand that?

Hotel Worker: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Have a great rest of your night.

(Draco slams the door shut and puts the cigarette out in the kitchenette sink.)

Draco: You boys hear any of that?

Sandal: Yeah, man, I heard most of it. You guys were only a couple feet away.

Moss Ross: I actually kinda zoned out there for a minute, what happened?

Draco: They're trying to tell me I can't smoke with fucking cigarettes in here!

Moss Ross: What?! That's fucking bullshit, man! You paid for this room!

Draco: That's what I said! But apparently, shit like that doesn't fucking matter around here. They don't care that I pay their salaries, all they care about is their bullshit fucking policies!

Sandal: Yeah, man, it's pretty stupid if you ask me.

Draco: It is fucking stupid! They don't give a shit that we bought special packs of cigarettes for tonight, they don't give a shit if getting drunk and smoking hash makes us fucking chain smoke with cigarettes. You know what? I'm not going outside to smoke. Let them fucking try and kick me out, they can call the police on me, I don't give a fuck. I'll go to fucking jail! At least in jail I can fucking smoke cigarettes.

Sandal: Listen, Draco buddy, take it easy. No one's going to jail tonight. Hear me out- you can probably get away with smoking in the room if you just open up the window. Then, all the smoke will just blow outside, dude. No big deal, right?

Draco: Yeah, man, I guess you're right. Might as well try it, since I'm sure as fuck not going outside.

(He goes over to the window and attempts to shove it open; it won't budge.)

Draco: It won't fucking open!

Moss Ross: Is it locked?

(Draco checks the locks, flips them the other way, and tries again. It still won't open.)

Draco: No, either way the things fucked! Sandal, what the fucks wrong with it?

Sandal: I dunno, man. I guess it's just one of those windows you can't open.

Draco: Well, what the fucks the point of that? Having a window you can't fucking open, what, it's just there for show? That's fucking stupid, who's fucking idea was that? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

(Sandal shrugs)

Sandal: You could always just smash it out a little.

Draco: Yeah, actually, that's a good idea, man. Give me your shirt.

(Sandal immediately pops off his shirt and tosses it to Draco, who wraps it around a decorative bookend found on the hotel desk to act us a silencer. He uses this contraction to smash a hole through the window, sending shards of glass falling outside. He smashes out even more of the glass, making the hole wider.)

Draco: There we go, that looks pretty good to me. (He pulls out another cigarette and lights it up, blowing the smoke towards the window. Good thinking, Sandal buddy.

Sandal: Yeah, man, well sometimes I just know the right thing to do. And usually the right thing to do involves smashing something.

Moss Ross: Some of my best memories involve smashing things. You boys remember when we through all those rocks at car windows in the school parking lot, smashed them up real good?

(Both Sandal and Draco laugh fondly at the memory.)

Sandal: Haha, shit, I remember that. Hey, you guys remember smashing all those bottles up on the roof and throwing the glass down at people?

Draco: Oh dude, I remember that! Those were some great fucking times, buddy. You guys remember when we smashed-

(The scene fades into a montage scene with Blink 182's What's My Age Again playing over it. It shows the boys laughing, drinking, smoking, sharing memories, drinking even more, snorting some kind of powder off the table, laughing even more, crying, drinking, Moss Ross dancing. The montage fades out to a private interview of Sandal in he bathroom, wasted out of his god damn mind.

Sandal: Yeah, me and Moss are pretty much about to go look for Draco now. He ran out of the room to get get some ice, but he's been gone for like, twenty minutes. He wasn't wearing any pants, either, so we really gotta try and find him quick, because he's out there alone and his legs are probably cold. (He's stumbling his way out of the bathroom) Yeah, he snorted a lot of angel dust and just kinda took off, you know, he can get that way sometimes. But we're pretty much gonna go find him, and bring him back here, and get him smoking some hash to kind of balance out the angel dust and get him back to a good place again.

(The screen cuts to show Draco outside, screaming random things into the night, just jumbled words that don't make sense. It flashes to Moss Ross and Sandal running down the hall. It then shows Sandal tacklin Draco outside, sending them both flying to the ground. It shows Moss Ross and Sandal dragging Draco down the hall, each holding onto one of his legs. Draco is clawing at the carpet trying to get away. The scene cuts to a private interview with Moss Ross in the hallway outside the hotel room. He's really drunk, and his eyes are red like a badger.)

Moss Ross: Yeah, Draco got pretty fucked up from that angel dust. He snorted the most out of all of us, but I think he's finally calming down a little bit. (You can hear Draco shrieking inside the hotel room.) Yeah, he's definitely calming down a bit. When we first found Draco, he was pretty much standing outside the hotel, screaming at people and screaming into their windows, prowling around the night. I mean, I think it was actually pretty cool what he was doing, and I would have liked to join him, but Sandal said we were being too loud and we couldn't make fun memories if we were being so loud, so we dragged Draco back in here. He put up a pretty good fight, too, for being on so much liquor and hash and angel dust.

(Screen changes to a private interview with Sandal outside the hotel room, holding a bottle of liquor and drinking straight from it. He has deep, bleeding scratches on his face.)

Sandal: Yeah, Draco kind of scratched me in the face when I tried to get him to go inside. I don't think he really meant to do it, you know. Just one of those thing that just kind of happened. I mean, I got him back pretty good. You should have seen the size of the clump of hair I ripped out of his head, man, it was fucking huge. I didn't even know that much hair could come out from one pull. I didn't even pull that hard, either, but you know Draco. His hair is always falling out and shit, it's pretty cool. It just pretty much falls out all over, and sometimes you find little balls of blond hair and it's nice because, you know, it's Draco's hair. So you just keep the balls of hair in a box under your bed and shit, it's pretty fucking cool. If my hair fell out that easily, I'd probably pull it all the time man, just because I could.

(Scene flashes to a private interview with Draco. For a minute it just shows him sobbing and chugging liquor for the bottle.)

Draco: (Still sobbing) I have a severe vitamin deficiency.

(Scene cuts back to the three of them back in the hotel room. They're all laying on the bed now.)

Sandal: Man...I just...I just wanna tell you boys….That you boys…. You guys are my BEST fucking friends. No matter what happens.

Draco: No man…. No…. no…. You guys are MY best fucking friends….

Moss Ross: Boys….you boys… You guys… you guys are fucking awesome…

Sandal: Dude, I'm fucked up right now.

Draco: I honestly think I might have some pretty serious alcohol poisoning, guys.

Sandal: You know, I'm glad you said something, because I'm pretty sure I've got alcohol poisoning too. I've actually been vomiting pretty heavily every time I go to the bathroom.

Moss Ross: I'm like… I'm like, 100% sure I have alcohol poisoning boys. I think I need to go to the hospital.

Draco: Moss, you've… you've got the right ideas man.

Sandal: Yeah, man…. Hospital sounds like a pretty good idea.

Draco: If I don't get to a hospital, I might die.

Moss Ross: Yeah, man, I'm with you.

Draco: Sandal, man, you think you can reach the phone?

(Sandal struggles to reach the phone on the nightstand. After a couple failed attempts, he's finally able to grab it.)

Sandal: You boys….You boys want me to call em?

Draco: Yeah man….just call em…

Sandal: I got you boys.

Moss Ross: You're...You're the best, Sandal.

(There are three beeps as Sandal dials 911)

Sandal: Yeah...hey buddy…. This is Sandal…. I'm here at the homewood suites with my three best friends, and I think we all might be dying a little bit from alcohol poisoning.

(The scene cuts away to show the lights of an ambulance, and Moss Ross, Sandal, and Draco being taken out of the hotel on stretches. The scene cuts to the next morning. The three of them are sharing a hospital room, hooked up to IVs.)

(Draco starts interviewing with the camera while Moss Ross and Sandal can be seen in the background, trying to play cat's cradle with their IV tubes.)

Draco: Yeah, I would say that this friendship anniversary was even better than last year's. It's always fun to drink yourself into the hospital. Actually, it's really fucking fun, and I had a great fucking time with my friends. I found out, pretty much, that all the shit we took from the hotel is gonna be charged to my credit card, and the fucking broken window too, but I'd say overall it was fucking worth it, even if it means dipping into the paddleboat fund. It's been a long time since I was able to let loose, have that much fun with my friends, drink that much and do that much angel dust, and frankly, I wouldn't trade that for anything.

(Flashes to Sandal giving an interview now, in the hospital hallway, walking around and tugging around his IV bag.)

Sandal: I had a great time last night, no matter how much damage the doctors say I did my liver. In fact, I think last night was the greatest night of my life. I got real fucking drunk, I had a great time, I got to go swimming, Draco got to smash up a window, it was fucking awesome. I feel bad Draco had to pay for all the shit we broke and stole, but if I could go back in time, I really couldn't change anything. The whole night was fucking perfect from start to finish, and it really reminded me how grateful I am to have cool as fuck friends who like to hang out and do fucking crazy shit with me and make memories. I mean, that's really was friendship is all about, is just making some great fucking memories. And I'm sure I'll start remembering even more fun memories about last night once the alcohol poisoning really wears off, so I'm looking forward to that.

(Camera changes to interview Moss Ross, who's sitting in a wheelchair by a window for no reason.)

Moss Ross: Man, I had the best time last night just hanging out with Sandal and Draco, getting really fucked up. Honestly, coming to the hospital made it even better, I always love coming to the hospital because we have tons of fucking awesome memories here of times we got hurt and shit or almost died and shit. It's pretty fucking cool, I love being here. It was pretty awesome of Sandal to save us all last night. I was really close to death, I think. I started to get this weird feeling, and started to remember all these weird things I had forgotten from when I was little, I'm pretty sure it was my life flashing before my eyes, or it could have been the angel dust. Either way, it was pretty fucking dope, and I think there's nothing better than the feeling of being on the verge of death and being saved by one of your best friends, and that's what Sandal did for us last night, by being the one closest to the phone. I had a pretty great adventure this year, and I can't wait to see what we do for our next friendship anniversary.


End file.
